A Theresa May impressionist just rewrote Kipling’s ‘If’ for the PM

PUBLISHED: 15:24 14 June 2017 | UPDATED: 15:42 14 June 2017

Jan Ravens as Theresa May

Jan Ravens as Theresa May

Archant

Listen to Jan Ravens as she channels the Prime Minister in a painfully accurate impression

Dead Ringers star Jan Ravens has delivered her most canny impression of Theresa May to date, impersonating the Prime Minister reciting an alternative version of Kipyard’s “If” in the post-election episode of the Strong & Stable podcast.

The satirical podcast, also featuring Rory Bremner, Dom Joly, Johnathan Pie and David Schneider, aims to “look at the election with all the delicacy and refinement of a Donald Trump handshake”.

Read the poem in full:

If – By Theresa May (aka Jan Ravens)

If you can take a 20 point advantage,

And a Labour Party torn apart by Trots,

Then balls the thing up so absolutely,

The only thing that saves you is the Scots.

If you can have the right wing press behind you,

Blackening your foes with endless hate,

And yet you go from U-turn to disaster,

Perhaps you should have gone to that debate.

If you repeat your strong and stable catchphrase,

Till everyone would ram it down your throat.

If you can make a cyberman sound chummy,

And let people give Lord Buckethead your vote.

If you can’t handle pro-provo Corbyn,

And Farron claiming gay sex is a sin,

Nuttall with his Burkha-burning buddies,

Then, I’m sorry, you don’t deserve to win.

If you can take your core support for granted,

By starving them of cash for winter fuel.

If you can snatch away a kid’s free meal,

And slash the funding to their school.

If you can make a deal with mad extremists,

And claim that nothing’s changed for anyone,

Yours is Number 10, till Boris takes it,

And which is more you’re Theresa May, my son.

Support The New European's vital role as a voice for the 48%

The New European is proud of its journalism and we hope you are proud of it too. We believe our voice is important - both in representing the pro-EU perspective and also to help rebalance the right wing extremes of much of the UK national press. If you value what we are doing, you can help us by making a contribution to the cost of our journalism.

  • Become a friend of The New European for a contribution of £48. You will qualify for a mention in our newspaper (should you wish)
  • Become a partner of The New European for a contribution of £240. You will qualify for a mention in our newspaper (should you wish) and receive a New European Branded Pen and Notebook
  • Become a patron of The New European for a contribution of £480. You will qualify for a mention in our newspaper (should you wish) and receive a New European Branded Pen and Notebook and an A3 print of The New European front cover of your choice, signed by Editor Matt Kelly

By proceeding, you agree to the New Europeans supporters club Terms & Conditions which can be found here.



Supporter Options

Mention Me in The New European



If Yes, Name to appear in The New European



Latest articles

Lily Allen: We can’t gaslight an entire community like this... That’s what’s happening

In the area around Grenfell Tower shock and grief is giving way to anger and tension. Lily Allen, has volunteered there every day since the disaster

Brexit 2027: This is the UK 10 years on

If you think Brexit has been a disaster after just a year, imagine the damage it will do in a decade

Khan tells May: You need to “wake up and smell the coffee over Hard Brexit plans

Theresa May needs to “wake up and smell the coffee” and accept that the British public has rejected her plans for Brexit, Sadiq Khan said.

Nick Clegg: How to guard against ‘strong man’ politics

In an uncertain global landscape, the former deputy prime minister outlines reforms needed to safeguard the international order against nationalism and ‘strong man’ politics

Over dinner Tories sharpen the knives

Dinner table debate with Tory voters offers fascinating food for thought…

Theresa May is risking Ireland’s future

The Conservatives deal with the DUP risks undermining the delicate balance of power-sharing in Northern Ireland, says leading Sinn Féin figure

Psychology of Brexit: Simplicity

For what do people want more than anything else? It’s not the policies or the ideology, the big political personalities or the budget details, but more than anything they want the roulette wheel to stop turning.

Some joker organised Theresa May’s leaving drinks and 177k people RSVP’d

No plans on June 30? A Facebook event to give the PM a “happy send off” after a difficult year is proving to be seriously popular

Keep moaning. Keep sabotaging. Keep resisting

The Conservatives have been exposed as the opportunistic self-serving incompetents that they are.

Theresa May’s deal with the DUP to prop up her ailing Conservative administration is in doubt

With a critical Queen’s Speech looming the Northern Irish hardliners continue to play hardball for improved terms to vote with the Tories in the House of Commons.

Nicola vs. Ruth: Get set for biggest face off in politics

The seemingly sure-footed Nicola Sturgeon may have misjudged the post-Brexit mood.

Mrs May and her gay-hating mates

The kingmakers of Theresa May’s diminished government, the Democratic Unionist Party, hold some very controversial views

Two divorce lawyers have given their professional advice for Brexit talks

“After Brexit, the sooner we can reach the point of acceptance about our future the better.”

David Davis wants a Brexit deal ‘like no other in history’

Brexit Secretary David Davis will call for a “deal like no other in history” as he heads to Brussels to launch negotiations for Britain’s exit from the European Union.

Austerity may be over, but Brexit means it won’t feel like it

Inflation and prices are rising, real wages falling. We’re all going to feel the squeeze.

What will it take for black and Asian Tories to realise their party fears and loathes diversity?

There is no place in the Conservative Party for 
ethnic minorities

Your chance to own limited edition artwork

Signed artwork by The New European strictly limited to 200 signed prints

Anyone still barking ‘Brexit means Brexit’ should be ashamed of themselves

The election taught us the importance of nuance which was missing amid the misplaced certainties of last year’s referendum. Now, we desperately need to hang on to it

Trade deals not on agenda for looming Brexit talks

Brexit talks kick off on Monday – but there won’t be any talk about trade.

Watch us on YouTube

Boris Johnson is clear as mud on Brexit talks

Views: 866

Tim Farron steps down as Lib Dem leader

Views: 202

Jeremy Corbyn schools Theresa May on strong and stable leadership...

Views: 661

Podcast

Trending

Newsletter Sign Up

Sign up to receive our regular email newsletter