A Theresa May impressionist just rewrote Kipling’s ‘If’ for the PM
- Credit: Archant
Listen to Jan Ravens as she channels the Prime Minister in a painfully accurate impression
Dead Ringers star Jan Ravens has delivered her most canny impression of Theresa May to date, impersonating the Prime Minister reciting an alternative version of Kipyard's 'If' in the post-election episode of the Strong & Stable podcast.
The satirical podcast, also featuring Rory Bremner, Dom Joly, Johnathan Pie and David Schneider, aims to 'look at the election with all the delicacy and refinement of a Donald Trump handshake'.
Read the poem in full:
You may also want to watch:
If – By Theresa May (aka Jan Ravens)
If you can take a 20 point advantage,
- 1 Piers Morgan must expose the government's Brexit betrayal
- 2 Public slams Brexit Party tweet which shames Tory MPs who voted against free school meals
- 3 Brexiteer Prue Leith quits Tory Party after government votes down motion to protect UK food standards
- 4 Peers set to remove law-breaking sections of Boris Johnson's Brexit bill
- 5 Boris Johnson 'frantically repositioning' himself for Donald Trump to lose election
- 6 Boris Johnson warned majority will be 'wiped out' over treatment towards north of England
- 7 UKIP set to select 'Dr Gammons' as candidate for London mayoral election
- 8 James Cleverly mocked after telling people to 'look at how they're doing in Wales'
- 9 Minister says Dido Harding is working '19-hours a day' on Test and Trace
- 10 Michel Barnier postpones Brussels return as Brexit trade talks in London continue
And a Labour Party torn apart by Trots,
Then balls the thing up so absolutely,
The only thing that saves you is the Scots.
If you can have the right wing press behind you,
Blackening your foes with endless hate,
And yet you go from U-turn to disaster,
Perhaps you should have gone to that debate.
If you repeat your strong and stable catchphrase,
Till everyone would ram it down your throat.
If you can make a cyberman sound chummy,
And let people give Lord Buckethead your vote.
If you can't handle pro-provo Corbyn,
And Farron claiming gay sex is a sin,
Nuttall with his Burkha-burning buddies,
Then, I'm sorry, you don't deserve to win.
If you can take your core support for granted,
By starving them of cash for winter fuel.
If you can snatch away a kid's free meal,
And slash the funding to their school.
If you can make a deal with mad extremists,
And claim that nothing's changed for anyone,
Yours is Number 10, till Boris takes it,
And which is more you're Theresa May, my son.
Become a Supporter
The New European is proud of its journalism and we hope you are proud of it too. We believe our voice is important - both in representing the pro-EU perspective and also to help rebalance the right wing extremes of much of the UK national press. If you value what we are doing, you can help us by making a contribution to the cost of our journalism.