No-deal is actually a deal, claims Brexiteer author

EDINBURGH, SCOTLAND - AUGUST 16: Frederick Forsyth attends the Edinburgh International Book Festiva

Author of his own misfortune: Frederick Forsyth, photographed in 2016 - Credit: Getty Images

More nominees for the worst Brexiteers of the week...

TV viewers have become used to the messages that run at the end of particularly harrowing shows, advising them to call a helpline “if you’ve been affected by any of the issues raised in this programme”.

But one doubts there is a helpline for the issue that affected Widdy after viewing David Tennant’s chilling performance as Dennis Nilsen in ITV’s Des: That it was historically accurate for the serial killer to be shown smoking while confessing to his crimes.

“The portrayal of Nilsen by Tennant could not realistically have been as a non-smoker,” she wrote. “It was a different age, when there was a whole etiquette around facilitating smoking, from the supply of ashtrays for guests to urging them to smoke from the host’s cigarette box rather than their own cigarette case.”

Put that in your pipe and smoke it!

The EU-hating vacuum billionaire has hoovered up £3.7million in farming subsidies from the EU in the last year, according to the Sunday Mirror. That means payouts to his agricultural firm Beeswax Dyson have totalled £8.7m since he advised fellow farmers to vote Leave in the 2016 referendum.

Dyson admitted last week that smaller farmers would face financial difficulty when the subsidies vanished after Brexit, but advised them “to be a lot more efficient to survive.” Alternatively, it would barely put a dent in his £16billion fortune if he shared his £8.7m with those in the agricultural sector who are less fortunate than himself -  of the £3bn farming subsidies paid out by the EU each year in the UK, the top 10% of recipients receive more than half the cash.

The perma-smug former leader of the European Research Group turned Tolkein head during a Times Radio interview about Boris Johnson’s woes.

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"Many of us will have seen Lord of the Rings,” he said. “Theoden the king is under the spell of his advisers. And he has to be woken up from that spell. When he wakes from that spell joy comes to pass in the kingdom. And when Theoden awakes - I mean Boris - everything will come right."

Hugely cryptic stuff, but let’s not forget that it doesn’t turn out great for Theoden, who ends up being crushed to death by his own horse. Meanwhile his historical antecedent King Theodoric I of the Visigoths was trampled to death by his own men during a charge - closer to the fate that awaits poor BoJo!

The Bad Boy of Brexit’s campaign for grumpy 75-year-old Winston Peters to become New Zealand’s next prime minister goes from strength to strength.

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When Banks signed on in the summer, he said his goal was to lift Peters’ right-wing NZ First party’s share of the vote to as high as 13 per cent in the general election, which will take place on Saturday October 17. But the latest poll shows Peters polling a whopping 1% - down from 8% last November and just 46% behind incumbent Jacinda Ardern’s Labour Party.

Meanwhile, Banks has not tweeted about the New Zealand campaign for a month, saving his wisdom for cultural matters instead (“I hope the Tories use their 80-seat majority to fuck over the BBC and their nasty left-wing journos. Bring it on!”)

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But the Brexiteer of the week is...


A teller of elaborate tales since he published The Day Of The Jackal in 1971, the novelist has saved his biggest-ever plot twist for readers of his latest Daily Express column, on trade talks with the EU.

Forsyth wrote: “Once again, as with Covid, both collective media and people have been mesmerised by a single phrase: No Deal. But this is deceptive. Whatever happens, there will be a trading relationship between us, i.e. a ‘deal’. But it may be under World Trading Organisation rules.”

So no deal is actually a deal after all! Amazing logic, and you do wonder why there’s been so much bother between Israel and Palestine down the years when in Frederick’s world they’ve actually had a peace deal all along!

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