Why is devout Jacob Rees-Mogg so quiet about Boris Johnson's affairs?

Jacob Rees Mogg smiles for the camera during a fringe event to discuss Brexit during the Conservative Party conference

Jacob Rees Mogg smiles for the camera during a fringe event to discuss Brexit during the Conservative Party annual conference in Birmingham - Credit: Stefan Rousseau/PA Wire/PA Images

Jacob-Rees Mogg, Boris Johnson and Matt Gaetz are in the firing line as comedian Mitch Benn hands out another set of his weekly awards.

MASSIVE BRASS ONES OF THE WEEK

…were to be found clanking away beneath the oddly-cut pinstripes of Britain’s Best Christian, Jacob Rees Mogg.  He welcomed the dawn on Easter Sunday by, as has become his custom, tweeting:

“Christ is risen, Alleluia, He is risen indeed, Alleluia.”

How refreshing to see someone who truly understands the nature of religious faith…  Unlike all those “trendy” so-called “Christians” who go around trying to “feed the hungry” and “help the poor” like their loony-left so-called “messiah”, the so-called “Jesus” told them to, Jacob realises that the proper way to demonstrate one’s faith is loud, ostentatious public declarations OF that faith, preferably in the most loftily archaic language possible.


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Once that’s out of the way, Britain’s Greatest Christian can go back to the important tasks of voting against free school meals, cashing in on Brexit and the pandemic and casting judgment on fornicators (except, of course, when one of those fornicators is The Boss… Jacob takes his faith very seriously, but not so seriously as to forget which way up his wafer’s buttered).

Speaking of which…

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WEARY CAPITULATION OF THE WEEK

…was that of the media and indeed people of Britain, who apparently reacted with a vast, cavernous echoing sigh of “WHATEVER…” to the under-any-other-circumstances career-ending revelation that not only was Boris Johnson (I guess we still have to throw in an “allegedly” here, like anyone cares) allegedly lying through his teeth about not having an affair with Jennifer Arcuri, but he also seems to have misappropriated about £120,000 of public money in the course of pursuing that liaison.

Is this it?  Has scandal fatigue finally reached the point at which there’s literally nothing the Priapic Minister can do which will rebound on him in any way?
Screw it, let’s make it official.  If it’s been decided that Boris Johnson gets a “pass” on everything, let’s print out an actual PASS for him.

The wording writes itself: “This pass guarantees that the bearer, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, can do anything he wants, wherever and whenever he wants, to whomever he wants, with whichever part of his anatomy he wants, with impunity, in perpetuity, and we will just shrug and take it like the housebroken serfs we appear to have become.  Signed, the cowed and pliant remnants of a once-proud island race”.

I’m serious.  Let’s do this; I’ve got a laminator and everything.



FORBEARANCE ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF THE WEEK:

David Lammy, who, while hosting a phone-in on LBC, maintained a superhuman level of calmness and patience while a (hang on, we can’t call them racists any more after what happened to Gordon Brown, what’s the term these days… oh yeah) rather “economically anxious” caller named Jean solemnly informed him that despite having been born and raised in London, he can’t call himself English because he’s not… white.  Unlike Jean, who declared herself “100% Anglo-Saxon”.

Interestingly, during the course of the conversation, Lammy mentioned having taken a DNA test which revealed that he has, like me, Scottish ancestry.  This - though he chose not to take it - gave him the perfect opportunity to point out that our CELTIC forebears had been living on these islands a good thousand years before those German interlopers the Angles and the Saxons turned up.
Yeah, who’s the immigrant NOW, Jean?

There may not be any black on the Union Jack but there’s plenty of blue, which is the colour David’s ancestors (and mine) painted themselves to scare the hairy pants off of your lot back in the day.  

‘CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR’ OF THE WEEK

Florida Republican congressman, Trump über-fan and his own Spitting Image puppet Matt Gaetz, who two weeks ago was musing on Twitter about how Gaetzgate would make like the coolest name EVER for a political scandal, before this week being implicated in an underage sex-trafficking case.

Oh Matt, if only you’d run for your seat in Congress the old-fashioned way instead of wishing for it on that monkey’s paw…

POEM OF THE WEEK

We’re following the roadmap
The roadmap, the roadmap
We’re following the roadmap
That Boris drew for us

The pubs and shops will open
Will open, will open
The pubs and shops will open
It won’t be disaster-ous

He’s talking to reporters
Reporters, reporters
He’s talking to reporters
And they’re so pleased he did

He’s talking in the press room
The press room, the press room
He’s talking in the press room
That cost 2.6 million quid

We’re going to get a passport
A passport, a passport
We’re going to get a passport
Or then again we won’t

The focus groups don’t like it
Don’t like it, don’t like it
The focus groups don’t like it
They did, but now they don’t

We’re following the roadmap
The roadmap, the roadmap
‘Cos Boris drew a roadmap
It’s sure to bring success

He’s following the science 
The science, the science
He’s following the science
And not the Tory press

What do you think? Have your say on this and more by emailing letters@theneweuropean.co.uk

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