The New European’s alternative Christmas carols

David Cameron celebrates Christmas in his shed. Illustration: TNE.

David Cameron celebrates Christmas in his shed. Illustration: TNE. - Credit: Archant

Keep your spirits high with these alternative Christmas carols, specially penned for the season by MITCH BEN.

IN THE BLEAK MIDWINTER

In the bleak midwinter

It was really bleak,

Seriously very bleak


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And bleaker by the week.

It couldn't get much bleaker

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But probably will somehow,

In the bleak midwinter

That's happening now.

AWAY IN A HOSPITAL

Away in a hospital

Just floor for a bed

A kid with pneumonia

Laid down his poor head.

His mum takes a photo

As she worries and frets

And it ends up all over

The whole internet.

Here comes the prime minister

He finds it a bore

To be pestered with questions

About kids on the floor.

He burbles, alas,

They won't leave it alone,

So he changes the subject

And nicks the guy's phone.

HARK! THE TABLOID HERALDS

Hark! the tabloid heralds sing,

Printing largely untrue things,

Peace on Earth unless of course

There's more cash in starting wars,

Joyful all the nation rise,

Gays and ethnics to despise,

With the red-top host proclaim

Boris stays in Number 10.

Hark! the tabloid heralds sing,

Printing largely untrue things.

GOOD KING BORIS

Good King Boris peeked out from

His refrigerator,

Waiting till the press had gone

He might come out later,

Rather would he freeze right now

Than have questions put to him,

It's beneath him to allow

Plebs to interview him.

SILENT NIGHT

Silent night, ghastly night

Labour's been, stuffed alright

Round yon Corbyn, Seumas and Len

Worshippers saying "Please run again"

Sleep in socialist dreams

Sleep in socialist dreams.

Silent night, lonely night

On Skwawkbox, they will write

It's the fault of the BBC News

Blairites, centrists, liberals and Jews

Never Jeremy's

Everyone's but Jeremy's.

O COME ALL YE HATEFUL

O come all hateful

Racist and vindictive

O come ye, O come ye to Washington

Come and behold the

Dimwit orange Emperor!

O come, let us adore him

O come, let us adore him

O come, let us adore him

On Fox News

GOD REST YE ANGRY GENTLEMEN

God rest ye angry gentlemen,

Give not in to dismay,

Take your blood pressure meds again

And it will be okay,

Just grit your teeth and clench your cheeks

It's nearly Christmas Day:

Drink bottles of comfort and joy,

Comfort and joy,

Several bottles of comfort and joy.

WHILE BORIS WATCHED

While Boris watched the box by night

Tuned to the BBC

He said "they don't treat me quite right"

"So scrap the licence fee"

Then spake the Beeb: "But hath not we"

"Full well just helped you win"

"'Tis so" quoth Boris "but you see"

"You're useless now I'm in"

DING DONG MERRILY

Ding dong merrily we've gone,

The country has gone crazy,

Ding dong bloody everyone,

And it should not amaze me:

Bo-

O-o-o-o-o-o

O-o-o-o-o-o

O-o-o-o-o-o

O-o-o-o-o-o

O-o-o-o-o-oris is

So ignorant and lazy!

I SAW THREE BUSES

I saw three buses driving in

On voting day, on voting day,

I saw three buses driving in

On voting day in the morning.

And what was in these buses three?

On voting day, on voting day,

The Tory, Lib Dem and Labour parties

On voting day in the morning.

And what did these three buses do?

On voting day, on voting day,

The yellow, red one and the blue?

On voting day in the morning.

The blue bus sported massive lies

On voting day, on voting day.

The yellow and red ones shrank in size

On voting day in the morning.

The yellow and red bus disappeared

On voting day on voting day.

The blue one grew and it's still here

On Christmas Day in the morning.

THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

On the twelfth day of Christmas

My true love gave to me,

Twelve trucks a-queuing,

Eleven liars lying,

Ten Irish passports,

Nine nurses quitting,

Eight teachers leaving,

Seven secret children,

Six starving orphans,

Five food banks...

Four falling pounds,

Three burqa bans,

Two total frauds,

And a Farage still not an MP

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