It is a sign of the pickle Keir Starmer finds himself in after just six months in office that there were any number of tricky topics Kemi Badenoch could have attempted to nail him on in this week’s prime minister’s questions.
There was the fact that the economy is on the skids and the prime minister is already being forced to give the dreaded vote of confidence in his beleaguered chancellor of the exchequer. There was the deal to hand back the Chagos Islands to Mauritius, which seems to matter an awful lot to people who had literally never heard of them until a few weeks ago.
There was the rather unfortunate business of his anti-corruption minister being forced to resign after being named in an anti-corruption investigation. Then, if all those sound a bit mainstream and you prefer your cuts a little deeper, there’s the possibility of Gerry Adams receiving compensation under plans to ditch laws dealing with the Troubles period.
And Kemi Badenoch, in the manner of Oasis being asked if they wanted a string orchestra, colliery band, children’s choir or 12-minute guitar solo for the recording of Be Here Now, responded: I’ll have all of them at the same time, please.
If Starmer’s methodical probing as leader of the opposition made Boris Johnson’s head hurt on a weekly basis, Badenoch’s great gift to the prime minister is the inability to choose a topic and focus on it. If you’d just come back from holiday and wanted a precis of ‘things which have happened in politics this week’, Badenoch’s six questions would get you up to speed. The Conservative leader’s lack of focus is such that, were a pigeon to fly into the chamber during the session, she’d probably ask about that.
Badenoch began with the economy, having met a business owner in Chesterfield last week who told her “his business will not exist in four years’ time because of this government’s policies”. This allowed Starmer to press his “£22 billion black hole” button along with his other favourite: “The leader of the opposition wants all the benefits of the Budget but cannot say how she would pay for them.” Badenoch then asked if the prime minister would rule out any more tax rises this year, and he replied with a 153-word answer that did not indicate one way or another whether he would rule out any more tax rises this year, so ‘no’.
Badenoch then rather artlessly handbrake-turned into the Chagos issue: “The chancellor is apparently promising to be ruthless in reducing spending. Let me suggest something that he should cut. There is no way that we should be giving up British territory in Chagos.” The government’s economic policies are proving a toll on business. But there are some ATOLLS we should not be getting rid of, amirite?
Then that was forgotten and we were back to Rachel Reeves. “At the Budget, Labour was congratulating itself for having the first female chancellor, instead of ensuring that the country had someone actually qualified to do the job,” said the woman who has employed the hapless Mel Stride to shadow her. “The leader of the opposition will be pleased to know that the chancellor will be in place for many, many years to come,” said Starmer, who just yesterday struggled to say she’d be there for many, many weeks to come.
Then we were on to Tulip Siddiq, in one question which the prime minister managed to bat away by pointing out that she had resigned, unlike Priti Patel, sat to Badenoch’s right, who, when found guilty of bullying, simply pretended she hadn’t and now serves as shadow foreign secretary.
Then finally, in one single, 155-word final question, Badenoch talked about: Siddiq, the lack of a new national enquiry into grooming gangs, Lousie Haigh’s phone, the Chagos Islands again, Gerry Adams and then eventually back on to the economy. “Can the country afford four more years of his terrible judgment?,” she ended. Can the Conservatives afford four more years of hers?
The mention of Adams was perfect fodder for Starmer to talk lawyerly about Northern Ireland – very much his happy place – before he unveiled with a flourish a letter.
“I got a letter this week from a Tory voter in a Labour seat,” he said. “I hope that they do not mind me saying who it was – it was Liz Truss. It was not written in green ink, but it might as well have been. She was complaining that saying she had crashed the economy was damaging her reputation. It was actually crashing the economy that damaged her reputation.”
Fair point. And a reminder of Truss which might have got Badenoch off the hook ever so slightly with her colleagues. She’s terrible, they might have thought, but at least she’s not unhinged.