The Brex Factor: UKIP conference held in hall EU built

PUBLISHED: 13:00 26 July 2018

Dominic Raab makes a statement to MPs in the House of Commons on the publication of the long-awaited White Paper on Brexit
Photo: PA

Dominic Raab makes a statement to MPs in the House of Commons on the publication of the long-awaited White Paper on Brexit Photo: PA

PA Wire/PA Images

STEVE ANGLESEY rounds-up the losers and the losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit

10. HENRY BOLTON

The former UKIP leader was upset by last week’s Brex Factor piece poking fun at Jo Marney for asking “would you like to go to India and for them to have adopted British culture?”

Bolton described directly quoting his girlfriend as “disingenuous and misrepresentative propaganda”. Of course, that’s something UKIP has never and would never indulge in.

9. DANIEL HANNAN

The so-called Brain of Brexit told Conservative Home that he had a problem with the Chequers agreement because it meant a continuation of “the EU’s unscientific ban on Argentine beef”.

Interesting news since one of the big UK business stories of recent weeks has been the difficulties faced by restaurant brands Gaucho and Cau, both famous for serving Argentinean beef. Until recently they operated 40 restaurants in Britain.

In fact, rather than being banned, 70% of Argentina’s chilled beef exports go to the EU. Clearly a mis-steak by Dan.

8. THE QUEEN

Outed as a Brexiteer during the referendum campaign, Her Maj’s accountants have now warned that Brexit poses a potential risk to her finances. Worrying times indeed for a woman who is down to her last £350million.

So why not cancel the very similar sum the NHS is supposedly getting every week after Brexit and give it to HRH instead? QED!

7. DOMINIC RAAB

On the Vote Leave overspending scandal, he told Andrew Marr: “I had no part in that.” And why would he? He was only Vote Leave’s campaign director.

And on the future of EU citizens in the UK and vice-versa, he told Marr: “Forgive me if I don’t keep a laser-like focus on the substance.” And why should he? He’s only the Brexit secretary.

6. STEPHANIE TODD

“A UKIP government will provide you with opportunities from which your and your family will benefit,” wrote Todd in her leaflet when standing for UKIP in East Yorkshire at the 2015 general election.

Alas, the former councillor soon took up the opportunity to benefit from someone else’s family. She has been jailed for two-and-a-half years after fleecing a profoundly deaf widower in his 90s out of £46,000.

5. BEN BRADLEY

The Remainer-turned-Brexiteer Tory MP for Mansfield revealed the depth of his intellect by asking “those arguing we should have a second referendum … the single biggest threat to our economy is a Labour government, so if they ever win an election I assume you’ll be happy to have a re-run?”

Ben, you assume correctly. They’d be quite happy as we have a re-run of general elections every five years.

4. KATE HOEY

Labour’s Brexiteer MP nearly halted a Sunday Times interview because she was surprised about being asked what it’s like to be a Brexiteer who is also a Labour MP.

Her answers included “this is going over old ground and it’s boring”, “what are you trying to get at … I’m not even sure I want to continue” and the quite brilliant “I don’t know why you throw all these questions at me”. (Clue: you’re being interviewed).

3. JACOB REES-MOGG

Dressing for the past but looking to the future, the Victorian Undertaker told Channel 4 News that any Brexit dividend might take a half-century to arrive, admitting: “The overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years.”

Great news! For one thing, that’s 50 years shorter than Lord Digby Jones reckoned it would take to prove Brexit is a good idea; for another the unicorns will arrive in time for young Sixtus Dominic Boniface Christopher Rees-Mogg’s 51st birthday. Fifty years of hurt never stopped us dreaming!

2. NADINE DORRIES

With the Brexit dividend still some way off, La Dorries has been sharing “thrifty ways to make over your home” with readers of her personal newsletter. And, wouldn’t you know, they’re every bit as odd as Nadine’s Brexity beliefs.

“Chalkboard paint is so useful for noting grocery lists… but it can look unsightly on a wall in full view,” begins one piece of advice. Nadine recommends using the inside of a cupboard door instead, so “visitors won’t know that you’re running out of teabags.”

Even better is the answer to a problem which confronts so many of us in today’s confusing modern world. “Conceal your unsightly wi-fi router by hiding it in a hollowed-out hardback book,” she counsels. “Use a scalpel to cut out all the pages inside, leaving just the front, back and spine and it’s ready to set the router inside and show off on a bookshelf.” Use Hemingway, Fitzgerald, any of that old rubbish … just not your precious copy of Nadine’s seminal The Children Of Lovely Lane!

1. GERARD BATTEN

UKIP’s leader – who calls Ialam a “death cult” – is fond of saying that the EU has contributed nothing to Britain. ‘Batty’ is currently preparing for his first conference as leader, to be held at Birmingham’s International Conference Centre in September. The ICC opened in 1991, thanks partly to a £50million donation from the European Union.

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