STEVE ANGLESEY rounds up the losers and losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit
10 NIGEL FARAGE
The nicotine-stained man-frog managed to give Fox News a pre-royal wedding tour of Westminster without a) correcting host Ainsley Earhardt when she introduced him as ‘basically royalty… you’re the man responsible for Brexit so they love you’; b) showing her the special London trains he uses, on which no-one speaks English; or c) asking her why the hell they were in Westminster in the first place when the wedding was taking place in Windsor, 25 miles away.
9 NEIL HAMILTON
Removed as UKIP’s leader in the Welsh Assembly, the former Tatton MP said of successor Caroline Jones, ‘of course, I wish her well’.
Hamilton went on to demonstrate there were no hard feelings when he was asked if Jones would be a match for Carwyn Jones at first minister’s question time.
He replied: ‘We’ll see’, pointing out that the new leader had little debating experience. A source from Hamilton’s camp later predicted a ‘shambles’ at FMQs.
Meanwhile Neil’s formidable wife Christine tweeted this bit of cryptic advice seemingly intended for someone in the ascendant: ‘The secret of happiness is to recognise your own inadequacies and not to seek to soar above them.’
How’s all that for well-wishing?
8 ROGER HELMER
Brexit’s Saruman – sorry, that was the autocorrect for ‘sad old man’ – hit back at a Twitter user called @VerySadHobbit, urging him to ‘remember how the Hobbits fought to free The Shire from foreign domination’.
Alas, one of the Lord Of The Rings trilogy’s central themes – that squabbling groups of disparate races can only succeed if they band together – seems to have sailed over Roger’s head. Just another example of him Tolkein bollocks!
7 IAIN DUNCAN SMITH
IDS appeared on Radio 4’s Today programme to explain that Irish politicians were talking tough over the border issue as they’re ‘running for election in November’ and ‘don’t want to be blindsided’ by Sinn Fein.
A bold take given that the next general election in the Republic isn’t due until April 2021, but perhaps Iain is psychic. Either that or he’s confused about the upcoming elections for the largely ceremonial post of Irish president.
6 DANIEL HANNAN
The so-called ‘Brain of Brexit’ went on a rant about banana tariffs which turned out to be a banana skin. The South East England MEP moaned that the tariffs were costing Brits 114 euro per tonne (that’s a scandalous 1.5p per banana) without realising that they don’t apply to African, Caribbean or Pacific bananas at all.
In fact, the tariffs on Latin American bananas are only in place so the EU can help the same Commonwealth producers Brexiteers regularly accuse them of abandoning.
If only there were an adjective, perhaps based on curved yellow fruit, to describe just how crazy Brexit is!
5 MATT RIDLEY
In the best animal-related political take since Owen Paterson’s verdict on the failed badger cull of 2013 (‘the badgers have moved the goalposts’), the journalist and Tory peer wrote a Spectator piece headlined ‘The eradication of South Georgia’s rats proves we can do anything – even Brexit’.
Though we’ll leave it up to readers to discover how the complexities of Brexit, involving the fates of billions of pounds and millions of people, compare with buying £10m worth of rat poison and spreading it over a small island from three helicopters, there’s no doubt that Ridley is an expert when it comes to eradicating things.
In 2007 he was chairman of Northern Rock when it had to be bailed out by the government, successfully eradicating £400million of taxpayers’ money.
4 GERARD BATTEN
The leader of the party which berates crybabies and snowflakes can be seen in new documentary Carry On Brussels storming out of the EU parliament chamber in a huff after his microphone is cut off during a speech. ‘When one of the lefties in favour of the EU go over then that’s OK,’ he shouts, neglecting to mention that he’s spoken for two-and-a-half minutes longer than his allotted time.
Honestly, Gerry, just shut up and get over it.
3 MICHAEL GOVE
The Gove Resurgence – shortly to become a Hollywood blockbuster starring Matt Damon – appears to be over after the environment secretary’s tin-eared speech at a launch party for Tory think-tank Onward. The boy who cried Turkey during the referendum campaign decried ‘identity politics’ and those who wanted to ‘divide society into contending groups’ before laughably claiming that Britain was a friendlier place towards migrants since the referendum campaign.
He later spoke of Meghan Markle’s ‘exotic background’ (she’s from Los Angeles) before describing himself as the Ike Turner to fellow speaker Ruth Davidson’s Tina – possibly the first time a serving cabinet minister has joked about being like a cocaine addict infamous for beating up his wife.
2 JACOB REES-MOGG
‘The horizon seems to be unreachable. The bottom of the rainbow seems unattainable,’ sobbed Brexit’s Professor Yaffle in a teary-eyed Telegraph interview.
Could JRM be the oldest person in Britain not to have realised that by dint of their very natures, the horizon is unreachable and the ‘bottom’ of the rainbow is unattainable?
1 BREXIT BEER
Available via Amazon, the Brexit Beverages Company’s premium export lager boasts the finest of Great British ingredients – yeast from Switzerland and Styrian Golding hops from Austria and Slovenia!
One drinker was enthusiastic, writing in the reviews section: ‘It was a real treat to drink the BREXIT LAGER … I recommend it to everybody FIVE STAR LAGER!!!’ She signed herself only ‘Tatiana’ – obviously no relation to the Tatiana Valsten who is a director of the Brexit Beverages Company!