The Brex Factor: Crypt kicker Boris is a real Mummy’s boy

10 JOHN REES-EVANS

The failed UKIP leadership candidate whose manifesto advocated a new social media network for Kippers – he should have called it Racebook – is back with his new political party, Democrats and Veterans.

Alas, their logo features the same animal used to promote America’s Democrats, conjuring up magical memories of the time Rees-Evans gave an interview about preventing a gay donkey from sexually assaulting his horse. He said: ‘I’ve got a horse, it was in the fields, and a donkey came up… and I’m afraid tried to rape my horse. My horse bit the side of the donkey, and I had to give my horse a slap to protect the donkey.’

9 JO MARNEY

Henry Bolton’s ex is back on Twitter and it’s about as good as you’d expect. ‘As a staunch Royalist, I believe the Queen’s influence & respect all over the world as a British figurehead is unparalleled’ read one recent message from the woman who showed her respect to Her Maj by claiming her future granddaughter-in-law was a ‘black American’ whose ‘seed will taint the royal family’. Another, in defence of Bolton, ran: ‘Everyone knows him. Everyone wants him on their shows, everyone wants to photograph him. HB now has the world at his feet.’

Whatever Henry Bolton might have at his feet, it certainly isn’t the world…

8 HENRY BOLTON

Meanwhile Marney’s main man had to hastily rewrite his LinkedIn account, where he’d claimed to have a BA degree in military studies from Sandhurst military academy (which doesn’t give out BAs) and another in leadership and management from City & Guilds (it was actually an NVQ level 6).

‘This sort of thing would never have happened in my day,’ said predecessor Paul Nuttall, who is currently showing off his World Cup winners’ medal to his fellow astronauts on the International Space Station.

7 LEO McKINSTRY

The Brexit Dalek’s latest Express column accuses the civil service of everything from deliberately leaking the recent dismal sector reports to appeasing Hitler, while also railing against ‘politically-motivated prophecies’ when ‘it is so meaningless to make predictions’.

If only wise Leo had been around to offer this advice to the Express hack who, in May last year, gushed: ‘Theresa May’s resilient leadership is the rocket fuel that is powering the Conservative revival… she is a superb political strategist with a streak of ruthlessness combined with a sense of how events will unfold… she is heading for a thumping majority next month.’ Those prescient words were written by none other than Leo McKinstry.

6 STEVE BAKER

As a keen skydiver, the DExEU minister is familiar with nose-diving towards the ground. His career appeared to be doing likewise even before last week’s humiliating climbdown from his claims that top civil servants were trying to sabotage our exit from the EU

A much-touted Cabinet role as overseer of no-deal Brexit plans failed to materialise for Baker. That might have something to do with the discovery of a 2010 speech in which he told members of the right-wing Libertarian Alliance: ‘I think UKIP and the Better Off Out campaign lack ambition, okay. I think the European Union needs to be wholly torn down.’

It might also be connected to the £6,500 donation Baker took in December 2016 from the Constitutional Research Council, a mysterious body which in the final days of the referendum campaign handed the DUP £435,000, only £10,000 of which was spent in Northern Ireland. Almost £300,000 went on a pro-Leave advert in the free Metro newspaper, which is not even published in Northern Ireland.

5 GAWAIN TOWLER

As the Kippers’ satisfyingly slow implosion continues, long-serving head of press Towler has quit after 13 years to start his own crisis management agency. And you can’t deny he’s had plenty of practice.

The UKIP press office had to step in to help out its own boss after Towler was alleged to have told black women’s rights campaigner Nimco Ali ‘I am racist but you’re beautiful, so I would do you.’ (He admitted saying ‘I am racist’ in jest but denied the rest).

4 JACOB REES-MOGG

The Victorian Undertaker’s newfound eagerness to get around the country meeting people – which is in no way the launch of a covert leadership campaign – is off to an (ahem) uncertain start.

Much publicity greeted the shoving match which took place at a University of the West of England debate. But a less-heralded trip to talk to journalism students at the Press Association looks to have been just as successful.

As spotted by Guardian writer Hannah-Jane Parkinson, the official photo of Crackers Jacob’s speech features several students looking thoroughly bored and another with her head in her hands. No Moggmentum here!

3 GODFREY BLOOM

It’s that time of year when the far-right pretend companies are dropping the word ‘Easter’ from packaging to appease the ravening Muslim hordes, rather than doing it simply to extend the shelf-life of their products. Step forward former UKIP MEP ‘Bongo Bongo’ Bloom, who tweeted: ‘If it be true Cadbury is removing ‘Easter’ from its chocolate eggs… may I suggest Thornton’s for your Easter eggs? A proper British company with old fashioned family values.’

Characteristically sound research from Godders – Thorntons was sold to Italian company Ferrero SpA in 2015.

2 NIGEL FARAGE

A triumphant week for the nicotine-stained man-frog, in which his misrepresentations of the NHS on Fox News triggered Donald Trump into causing a diplomatic crisis with the UK, and Nige was told ‘go back to where you came from’ by a protester when arriving for a speech in Dublin.

Once ensconced in the fair city, Farage told TV station RTE he had detected a public appetite for Ireland to pull out of the EU. The most recent poll on the subject vindicates Nigel’s instincts: A massive 12% of respondents backed Irexit, with just 88% wanting to remain.

1 BORIS JOHNSON

Researchers in Switzerland have discovered that the foreign secretary is the great-great-great-great-great-great-grandson of an 18th century woman whose syphilis-ridden mummy has been found buried under a church in Basel.

‘It’s humiliating to find out you’re related to someone with such a notorious past,’ said the syphilitic mummy.