The Brex Factor: Nigel Farage is pension potty about his EU handout

The International Trade Secretary delivered a tantalising hint of the amazing deals to come post-Brexit when he visited a bassoon shop in Newport.

No doubt delighted to meet some other expensive wind instruments, Fox tweeted that Double Reed was an ‘internationally respected refurbisher of bassoons, selling worldwide’. And the firm returned the compliment, saying that they had ‘discussed new innovations and the international bassoon market’.

Let’s just imagine how those discussions might have gone:

LIAM FOX: ‘Are these new innovations in the international bassoon market going to provide enough cash to get us out of this enormous hole I’ve managed to dig?’

BASSOON SHOP: ‘No.’

9. TIM MONTGOMERIE

The Brexity blogger, a fellow of the shadowy Legatum Institute think tank, moaned on Twitter: ‘The degeneration of political debate is depressing. People you disagree with are routinely written off as ‘batshit’ or similar – rather than as ppl with a different view.’

Tim displayed his belief in the loftiest political discourse back on September 2, when he told anti-Brexit lawyer Jolyon Maugham: ‘You lost fair and square. Get over it.’

8. BOB SPINK

The former UKIP MP faces sentencing in the new year after being found guilty of tricking elderly and infirm voters into signing election nominations for local ‘Kipper candidates. Southwark Crown Court heard that constituents put their signatures on forms having been led to believe they were simply petitions. An enthusiastic advocate of capital punishment (though presumably not for electoral fraud), Spink caused a storm in 2006 when he appeared to tell a constituent that the majority of criminals are black. So it’s good to see him bucking that trend.

7. BORIS JOHNSON

‘Now is the moment to get the whole ship off the rocks and move it forwards,’ declared the Foreign Secretary. But who could have steered Britain on to them in the first place? The only clue is a discarded captain’s hat with a few strands of suspiciously yellow hair…

6. ANDREW PIERCE

The Daily Mail writer and Sky News pundit declared himself vexed by talk of a hard border with Ireland. ‘Norway, not in EU, has a frictionless border with Sweden which is in EU,’ he tweeted, ‘so why can’t we do the same with Ireland to kick start Brexit?’

Well, Andrew, a frictionless border with Sweden is possible only because Norway is in the European Economic Area with the EU27. The cost of EEA entry is acceptance of the EU’s ‘four freedoms’, including freedom of movement – which you and your employers have consistently opposed.

Next week: Andrew demands to know why paying members of his local golf club are allowed to use the course and clubhouse while non-members like him have to play on the council pitch ‘n putt instead.

5. LEO McKINSTRY

The froth-mouthed Daily Express columnist has once again failed the Dalek Test – if your work sounds plausibly like the words of a son of Skaro when read in a robotic voice, rewrite.

‘As they peddle their narrative of doom the Remoaners continue to denigrate Brexit with almost feverish relish,’ wrote McKinstry, his dome rotating wildly and his gunstick set to total disintegration mode. ‘Eager to wreck the process they turn every problem into a crisis and portray every obstacle as insurmountable.

‘The Remoaners, wedded self-righteously both to their ideology of diversity and their snobbish contempt for the British working-class, have clung desperately to the theory that Britain is dependent on undiluted mass immigration. This is just emotive, manipulative deceit… a treacherous insult to our national character.’

Obey! Obey! Obey Dalek Leo or you will be exterminated!!!

4. ROBERT JENRICK

A pre-referendum Remainer turned post-referendum Brexiteer, the Tory MEP for Newark & Sherwood told a constituent he would not support amendments to the EU (Withdrawal) Bill because, well, it would all be a bit awkward. ‘To U-turn now would be a huge national embarrassment,’ wrote Jenrick, who’d clearly rather risk a recession than have a red face.

Jenrick also told Craig Havelock that ‘to back away would cause huge social fractures’ – thereby putting at risk the united, content Britain we live in today. That’s the Britain where, as a recent YouGov poll revealed, one in four young Remain voters would vote for pension cuts if that meant stopping Brexit, while one in four older Leave voters say wage cuts for the young would be a price worth paying for quitting the EU.

3. ROBIN WALKER

The Brexit minister went full Yes Minister when asked to explain why the Government had redacted and/or edited several of the Brexit impact papers. He told parliament: ‘We have not edited or redacted reports… we have collated information in a way that doesn’t include some material.’

2. GILES CAMPBELL

Author of a remarkable letter to the Daily Mail, in which he theorised that the love between Prince Harry and Meghan Markle would save the post-Brexit UK economy. ‘When the EU thinks it’s got us over a barrel with Brexit, the announcement of the royal engagement could not have come at a better time,’ he wrote. Americans love the Royal Family and now one of their own is joining it.

‘The ball is back in our court. European politicians must be a reaping and our financial clout with Wall Street will never be stronger. All because two people have fallen in love.’

Meanwhile, back in the real world, Donald Trump moved closer to cutting corporation tax to within one percentage point of Britain’s, making it increasingly tempting for US companies with roots in this country to pack up and go home.

1. NIGEL FARAGE

The nicotine-stained man-frog told the Telegraph that no-one outside London was worried about Brexit. He said: ‘You may find queasiness in London, you might find it in Canary Wharf… you might find it in sections of the liberal media, you’ll certainly find it in Westminster.

‘You go out into the broader country, is the public queasy about Brexit? No, they’re saying ‘get on with it’.’

Farage also admitted that he would not hand back the £73,000-a-year EU pension he is entitled to when he reached the age of 63, telling Andrew Marr: ‘Why should my family suffer?’ To be fair, they’ve suffered enough…