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Brexfactor: God, the guillotine and gorillas in the list

PA Wire/PA Images - Credit: PA Wire/PA Images

We pick out the worst Leavers of a week in which people came together and united behind the opportunities which lie ahead. Probably.

10. Graeme Souness

The permanently furious former player/manager/moustache abandoner/pundit capped a trademark rant about English teams trying to adopt a ‘tap-tap-tap’ European style by admitting he’d voted Leave. Appearing on Irish channel TV3 during their coverage of Leicester’s Champions League exit to Atletico Madrid, Souness revealed that he had been unimpressed by turning up to see Bournemouth play Swansea three weeks earlier and both teams attempting to play football rather than kick lumps out of one another.

‘It was like watching a Dutch game of football,’ he said, like that was some sort of insult. ‘Lots of pretty passes but there was no fire, no one smashing into someone. There was no real anger in the game. It was about ‘we’ll outpass you and maybe we’ll get a goal’.’

Presenter Tommy Martin then quipped: ‘I think you voted for Brexit, Graeme. Did you?’ Souness beamed and replied: ‘Oh, I certainly did, yeah.’ It’s not the first time former Liverpool hero Souness has sided with the forces of the right, having outraged the club’s fans in 1992 by selling the story of his heart operation to The Sun, who chose to run it on April 15 – the third anniversary of the Hillsborough disaster.

9. Paul Nuttall

UKIP’s ex-astronaut supremo may have ditched the lucky Tweed suit which brought him so much good fortune in Stoke-on-Trent, but alas he’s more reluctant to cast off his party’s dog-whistle Islamophobia. And so it came to pass that he launched his party’s election campaign with a promise to inspect the genitalia of vulnerable young girls at least once a year, then hid in an anteroom while his deputy argued with the press about whether beekeepers would be affected by the Kippers’ proposed ban on veils. Later UKIP foreign affairs spokesman James Carver resigned over the ban, calling it ‘misguided’, and an undaunted Nuttall marched on to Wolverhampton, where he compared himself to Gandhi. Another Titanic launch from the Dear Tweeder!

8. Richard Littlejohn

The veteran Daily Mail columnist, now phoning it in to such an extent that his byline photo should be taken in a call box, has delivered a trademark piece speculating on what might happen if the Coalition of Chaos takes power.

‘Woe betide anyone who gets between Diane Abbott and the Buck House buffet table,’ joked the famously svelte Littlecock, casually hurling boulders around his conservatory, before delivering a lazy laundry list (‘Hezbollah is invited to open an embassy in London… Corbyn unveils a statue of Martin McGuinness in Parliament Square, replacing Winston Churchill… Cars will be banned and motorways would be turned into cycle lanes’) which practically screamed ‘will this do?’

However much of what Richard thinks is a nightmare actually sounds quite reasonable to many ears (‘Trident will be scrapped… forget about an expansion of grammar schools… the railways will be renationalised’) and with Labour currently struggling to get their own manifesto finished before mid-May, perhaps they could get Dick to flesh it out with a bit of ‘Hard Brexit? You couldn’t make it up!’

7. Capitals Alan

This anonymous Brexiteer responded to news of Gina Miller’s campaign to unseat pro-Article 50 MPs by firing off the VERY ANGRY and ODDLY PUNCTUATED email reproduced here. Alas, he did so to the wrong Gina Miller, who happens to be VP of media for American ‘soccer’ team FC Dallas and as such has already fulfilled Capitals Alan’s request for her to leave the UK by dint of never having lived here in the first place. As CapitAL would no doubt say, GOD IT,S CONFUSING WHEN F—–G PEOPLE HAVE THE SAME NAME.

6. Kate Hoey

‘Nasty and confrontational,’ was the Vauxhall MP’s verdict on the Lib Dem poster showing her face morphing into that of Nigel Farage. For the record, that’s far more condemnatory than anything she’s ever said about the Breaking Point poster launched by her mate Nigel, despite several attempts from the local party to get her to do so.

5. Maria Miller

‘They may take our lives, but they’ll never take our freedom’ is pretty decent as a rallying cry. But does it really compare to the one on Maria ‘Mortgage Mishap’ Miller’s leaflet, spotted in Basingstoke: ‘How can you help us improve area name?’

Someone in the former culture secretary’s camp forgot to change generic descriptions in their campaign literature, leaving her passionate commitment to LOCAL CAMPAIGN ISSUE TO GO HERE looking just a tad insincere.

4. Paul Golding

His namesake William wrote Lord Of The Flies, but Lord Of The Lies seemed more appropriate when Britain First’s loveable leader shared a video of what he described as ‘a crowd of ‘moderate Muslims’ celebrating the Paris terror attacks in London’. This was quickly and easily revealed to be footage of some young British Pakistanis cheering a cricket victory.

Then, on St George’s Day, he branded the right-wing Daily Express ‘fake news’ for ‘claiming St George was born in Turkey. Turkey didn’t exist until 600 years AFTER Saint George lived!’

Staggering stuff, and while we leave it to Paul to Google ‘Cappadocia’, let’s content ourselves with the fact that Golding’s Twitter bio describes him as a ‘Conservative with a small ‘c”. All together now for the punchline: ‘He’s certainly SOMETHING with a small c’.

3. YO Cedar

The Unbearable Lightness of Being. The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time. Arresting book titles, to be sure, but can any of them be said to be as truly startling as that of Cedar’s new work, God’s Hand in Brexit: A Prayer Guide?

Like both God and Brexit, the book moves in mysterious ways. ‘As a field sales executive I’m accustomed to spending a lot of time in my car, driving from one meeting to the next,’ begins one chapter. Shortly thereafter Cedar is protesting the erection of the Temple of Baal in Trafalgar Square, which I must have missed on the 9 o’clock news.

The author assures us that the big man upstairs is ‘faithfully working behind the scenes as we fervently pray that our nation will turn in its God-given direction, outside of the EU, once again embracing its Judeo-Christian morals and heritage.’ Once we’ve embraced this, Cedar assures us, ‘care homes would no longer be needed… there would be less strain on the National Health Service as believers lay hands on the sick.’

It all sounds too miraculous to be true, but as Saint George once told us, ‘I gotta have faith, faith, faith.’

2. Nigel Farage

‘We now have a US President who wants to put us at the front of the queue. It’s a huge opportunity for our country,’ Tweeted credulous man-frog Farage on November 27 before high-tailing it to New York for his gold lift photo-op.

One wonders then how Nigel reacted to this week’s headlines reading ‘Trump puts EU ahead of Britain in trade queue’, with ‘officials in Washington’ confirming walking impeachment case Donald’s priorities are somewhat different to first billed.

1. Gisela Allen

The 84-year-old Glasgow council candidate burst upon the political scene by declaring both her attraction to gorillas and her belief in the introduction of capital punishment by guillotine.

Other things Allen likes are castration and euthanasia (though thankfully not the latter by the former); stuff she doesn’t like includes free bus passes, nurseries, sex education classes and LGBT communities.

She told the Sunday Herald: ‘I am not anti-gay – but how can you call that a community? Sex life is everybody’s private affair. You do not come out and declare openly. Do you think I am going all over the city and saying my idea of a sexually-attractive creature is a gorilla? When I go to a zoo and I see a gorilla my hormones go absolutely crazy. I find a gorilla very attractive.’

Common sense policies for a common sense Britain, and if Gisela continues in this vein, how long before she becomes UKIP leader?

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