We round up the losers and losers (because there are no winners) of another crazy seven days on Planet Brexit
Roger Helmer (RE-ENTRY)
A man with his finger firmly on the political pulse, UKIP’s MEP for the East Midlands called on Twitter for a bold Brexiteer to stand against traitorous jazzbo Kenneth Clarke at the next general election. A grand scheme which has only one slight flaw – Clarke is not standing at the next general election and announced his intention not to do so in July 2016.
Katie Hopkins (DOWN 8)
Poorer at the bank after unwisely tangling with Jack Monroe but still mining a rich vein of bullshit, Hatey Katie gave a defiant interview in which she praised her ex-husband, who left her the day after she gave birth to their second daughter and has never spoken to her since, for his Ayn Randian rigour in doing so. ‘I quite admire him … he knew what he wanted and went for it,’ she said.
In the same piece Hopkins insisted she was being careful not to be a ‘rent-a-gob shock-jock’ on her LBC radio show because ‘nobody would want to do that over 10 or 15 years. It would be boring and very wearing.’ Just a note: Katie Hopkins has now been famous for 10 years.
Steve Baker (NEW ENTRY)
The Tory MP for Wycombe is ‘a bit of a character’, noted for having a doormat with his own face on it outside his Westminster office and using the slogan ‘Enjoy Freedom Responsibly’ on his website. But he’s frightfully vexed by what he calls ‘the sneering tone of voice which is often used by the BBC when discussing Brexit’, adding ‘We are leaving the EU and it is time the BBC dealt with it and started treating the issue impartially’.
Alas, none of the rest of us can see the BBC which is playing in Steve’s head, but it sounds considerably more fun than the one which has awarded Nigel Farage 30-odd Question Time appearances. Meanwhile, those of us who like a sneer can do so while reviewing Baker’s remarkable contribution to the debate on gay marriage five years ago. He voted against the Marriage (Same-Sex Couples) Bill, explaining that it was ‘the wrong way of improving tolerance in society’ and said the entire issue should be put on ice for a decade to give the Church time ‘to work out what our response is to homosexuality in the 21st century’.
Paul Dacre (RE-ENTRY)
It’s a complex old world if you’re the Daily Mail’s 68-year-old editor. You hate everything about the European Union but seem to quite like the considerable subsidies the EU pays to your estates each year. Your content powers the world’s biggest website, MailOnline, but you yourself never use a computer and have your incoming emails printed out for you. You publish lots of articles about the benefits of a healthy work/life balance yet preside, according to a new book by Adrian Addison, over ‘a hideous, joyless place to work’.
And now, according to a typically breathless headline, your title is vexed that the ‘historic Brexit Act WON’T be printed for posterity on vellum because the centuries-old tradition has been quietly DITCHED’. Outrageous! What disrespect! What can have caused those doublec*nts in Westminster to do this to our beloved Brexit?
Er, might it have been pressure after a Mail article from February 2016 headlined ‘What spending cuts? The Government finds £80,000 to make sure Parliament can keep printing laws on GOAT SKIN’, which attracted comments like ‘out of touch with reality’ and ‘snouts in the trough goes on – austerity for everyone else’?
David Moyes (NEW ENTRY)
With the face of bartender Moe and the voice and hair colouring of Groundskeeper Willie, human Matt Groening creation Moyesie continues to make many a Sunderland fan scream ‘D’oh!’ It’s not known which way the relegation-threatened manager’s vote went last June but Moyes has been dubbed the ‘Brexit boss’ after explaining he dropped the club’s record buy, Gabonese midfielder Didier Ndong, from Saturday’s game with Burnley because ‘I felt the game needed more Britishness in the middle’.
This is something of a theme for the former Everton and Manchester United gaffer, who so far this season has explained that he had ‘an awful lot of work to do on the training ground getting the Britishness into’ Senegalese defender Papy Djilobodji. And he also said injury-jinxed signing Darron Gibson ‘gives us a bit of stability and Britishness’ and praised a fixture switch to midweek because ‘there’s a Britishness about night games’.
All this Britishness might be playing well in 61% Leave Sunderland, but Moyesie’s team are definitely not. The Black Cats are bottom of the Premier League, seven points from safety with only 10 games left, although his Ndong masterstroke helped them hold Burnley, the team with the worst away record in the league, to a 0-0 draw at the Stadium of Light.
Nick Griffin (NEW ENTRY)
Remember the former BNP leader who’d had enough of foreigners coming over here and falling to assimilate? He’s emigrating to Hungary, where no doubt each night he will feast on gulyás, washed down with the tasty-sounding Unicum liqueur, before performing a traditional ugrós jumping dance.
Nick will also have to take on the Hungarian traditions of writing names inversely, meaning he will be known to his new neighbours as Twat Complete.
Paul Nuttall (RE-ENTRY)
Fresh from his triumph in Stoke-on-Trent, UKIP’s Tweed Messiah returned to public life to discuss the location of Atlantis, claiming that reforming the EU was as likely as finding the mythical aquatic city ‘off the mouth of the Medway’. And Paul should know, having played The Man From Atlantis with distinction in the late 1970s TV series of the same name.
What Nuttall didn’t want to talk about, despite repeated requests from Business Insider, were the office expenses he and fellow UKIP MEP Louise Bours claimed from the EU for the last six months of 2015 – some £4,000 more than the rent on their office actually cost.
Poor Paul really isn’t having much luck with rented property at the moment and perhaps he should consider returning to his home under the seas permanently, leaving us filthy liberal surface-dwellers with only a defiant two-webbed-finger salute as he submerges for the final time.
Michael Gove (RE-ENTRY)
Who would you say qualifies as the best of us? Nurses? The police? Doctors? Teachers? The armed forces? Trump-loving former hedge fund managers who boast of never having changed a lightbulb or boiled an egg, take their nannies on the campaign trail and compare Brexit to the battle of Waterloo?
If your answer was the latter, you’re Michael Gove and you appear to have lost ANOTHER plot …
Richard Billington (NEW ENTRY)
UKIP’s Harborough branch chairman was removed as a party candidate in May’s local elections for Leicester after emailing other potential candidates to advise them they could cash in and not even have to attend council meetings if they won.
Billington wrote: ‘If you want to help yourself, your family and UKIP please stand. You need to do nothing.
‘If you by chance win, you can always avoid the meetings – 8 per year and still collect a few thousands £ until they ask you to leave! If the half-wits in the Lords can make money by doing nothing, so can we! It’s a strange thing democracy!’
The financial advisor added that recipients of his email should not put its contents online – a strict code of omertà which appears to have been obeyed by all correspondents, apart from the one who sent it to the Leicester Mercury. Unlucky!
Tommy Robinson (NEW ENTRY)
Fraudster, jailbird, EDL leader, Brexiteer and all-round pondlife ‘Tommy’ (real name Stephen Yaxley-Lennon) emerged from beneath his rock on Wednesday in time to hail a taxi to Westminster and declare the country was at war. He later retweeted an image of heroic MP Tobias Elwood attempting to save the life of policeman Keith Palmer.
For some reason Tommy neglected to mention the references in his book Enemy Of The State to the police as ‘dickheads’ and ‘wankers’, or the 12-month prison sentence he served for assaulting an off-duty policeman. Funny, that.