Brex Factor: Lord, it’s time Leavers sent for the Doctor

The Tardis from Doctor Who. (Image: BBC) - Credit: BBC

In a refreshing change from the usual excuses about why Brexit is going so badly (Soviet-style EU, traitorous Remoaners, dog ate impact assessment papers), a leading think tank boss is blaming the EU for weaponising time itself.

Appearing at an event alongside Jacob Rees-Mogg and David Davis, Shanker Singham of the Institute of Economic Affairs said: ‘We must use time better, the EU has used time against us. We must use time as our friend.’

Damn those pesky Europeans with their clocks and watches! Curse their knavish tricks – deadlines, basic timekeeping, that sort of thing! Can you believe they triggered Article 50 too early? Oh, hang on, was that us?

So what now for Singham and Brexit? In the absence of a flux capacitor-powered DeLorean, the IEA’s best bet might be tracking down that blonde woman in a long grey coat, a striped black jumper and braces who seems to be all over TV at the moment. They could rename her Doctor WTO…

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Say What?

‘How long before we go to jail for ordering a black coffee?’ – Life imitates art as former UKIP MEP Roger Helmer channels Stewart Lee’s ‘these days you get arrested and thrown jail if you’re English’ routine.

Brexiteers of the Week

DAVID DAVIS

Claiming that the Irish border issue had been exaggerated, he told Sky News: ‘It doesn’t matter whether you carry a euro or pound, you can buy your drinks in Belfast in euros and you can buy in Dublin with pounds.’ Not only is this completely untrue, it’s just one more reason to never go out for a drink – in Belfast, Dublin or anywhere else – with David Davis. 

NIGEL FARAGE

With his ‘Leave Means Leave’ rallies in full flow, the nicotine-stained man-frog’s supporters ran a poll on his ‘Leave Means Leave – Nigel Farage’ Facebook page, asking ‘If the UK were to hold a second referendum on our membership of the EU, how would you vote now, knowing what you know?’ Some 971,000 votes later, the verdict was in: Remain 63%, Leave 37%.

Let’s now hope Nigel now respects the will of the people, and we look forward to his ‘Remain Means Remain’ battlebus coming to a street near you very soon.

NADINE DORRIES

Rattled by a demo outside the ICC as the Tories met in Birmingham, Dorries wrote: ‘You will never see Conservatives protesting outside a Labour conference. We believe in free speech and democracy.’

Just a thought, but isn’t the right to peaceful protest a hallmark of a democracy which embraces free speech? Dorries’ own website was then hacked by what she called ‘unscrupulous individuals’, who demanded ‘an electronic defence system using solar-powered drones to deploy a massive blockchain spanning the 499km Irish border’. Dorries said: ‘Anyone who has that much time on their hands needs to turn their energy to  useful employment.’ Hmmm. Is it worth noting that despite being an MP on £77,379 a year, Nadine has enough time on her hands to have written and published nine novels in the last four years?

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