Happy Border Check Day!

Hurrah, put out more flags, the UK has finally managed to secure its border. Surely the bare minimum necessary for a country to call itself a sovereign nation?

Eight years after the Brexit referendum and four years after the UK left the EU the British government is finally going to check all food and agricultural imports coming into the UK. Well into Great Britain really, Northern Ireland being a bit “special” in this regard (the less said the better, you know what the DUP are like).

I can only assume that the PM is helicoptering down to Dover to be seen welcoming the new checks, the “secure border” and the visual representation of Brexit.

But then Dover would be the wrong place to visit really, the magnificently named Sevington Inland Border Facility is where the action is at. A full 22 imperial miles or 35.4 nasty European kilometres from Dover, the Sevington lorry park and Inland Border Facility are where everything is checked.

Well, it is where a few things are being checked today because in a secret memo the government had to admit that the system is not yet up and running and so virtually nothing will be actually inspected yet. Just in case the food distribution network grinds to a halt, empty supermarket shelves not being quite the local election vote winner you might expect.

Don’t get me wrong – they are going through the motions. There is red tape and time wasting, delays and charges and everything; even though almost nothing is being checked to see that rotten meat, poisonous fish or a major animal disease is not entering the country.

Still, I am sure Rishi will visit Sevington ASAP, as he never misses a photo opportunity. He will obviously want to be seen in his dayglow safety vest, checking pointless forms, creating miles of red tape, pushing a pen, charging importers for something that is not happening, pointing at long lorry queues, adding millions to the cost of food and then smiling and laughing as lorry loads of fresh fruit, meat, cheese, fish is sent back to France because of a minor error in one form, for one pallet.

Whether that entire load makes it all the way back to Dover (22 miles, 35.4km) is not certain, the opportunities for something to fall off the back of a lorry are huge, the temptation great. The government itself hasn’t bothered to tell the haulage industry how it will ensure that rejected cargo has been returned to the Continent. I am pretty sure that is because it doesn’t have a way of checking but is too scared to say so. In any case the whole process has more holes in it than an imported Swiss cheese.

The reason for this mess is that since we are no longer in the EU we are no longer part of its extensive system of safety, hygiene, and quality standards and tests. So we have to do it all ourselves, again. And given the huge rise in illegal and dangerous meat entering the country since Brexit the tests are necessary, as the farming industry is now operating in fear of a major outbreak of swine fever or foot and mouth. Strangely it wasn’t in the least bit concerned about these things when we were in the EU.

For this privilege of “taking back control” the transport industry is being charged £49 per item to a maximum of 5 items, even though the tests are non-existent. This adds millions a year to their costs and to our food prices.

Still – wave the Union Jack, hold a street party and sing Land of Hope and Glory, because the White Cliffs of Dover are once again our bastion against a cruel and capricious continent.

No sorry – my mistake. I mean the Sevington Inland Border Facility is our bastion; or it might be when it is fully open and working and if everybody is honest and trustworthy.

I’ll keep you posted.