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As excuses go, ‘I forgot my PIN’ is akin to ‘the dog ate my homework’

Boris Johnson’s explanation as to why he failed to hand over his phone to the Covid inquiry is another example of how ‘forgetful’ he is...

Image: The New European/Getty

I’m not, by nature, a conspiracy theorist. I’m a great believer in the old maxim that one should never ascribe to malice what can adequately be explained by incompetence. Nor do I think for a second that the Conservative Party or its press baron paymasters wield such supernatural levels of influence as to be able in some way to manipulate a well-loved and ostensibly happily married public broadcaster into performing as-yet unspecified romantic gestures towards a person of indeterminate but apparently precariously youthful years.

I do, however, think it’s a remarkable and fortuitous coincidence that the story about the aforesaid broadcaster broke just in time to give the tabloid press something to wang on about OTHER than Boris Johnson leaving himself in contempt of court by failing/refusing/forgetting to hand over his old phone to the Covid inquiry. Just think of all the speculation there would be about what horrors lurk in Boris’s old WhatsApp account if we hadn’t had this to speculate about instead!

Meanwhile, the disgraced sex haystack’s risible explanation as to why he couldn’t possibly hand over the aforementioned phone varied from he’d lost it, to GCHQ had told him never to switch it back on again or the country was doomed, to he’d forgotten the security PIN needed to access it. After a few days this final excuse – the forgotten PIN – was fixed upon as the definitive.

Apparently, the problem was that Boris had chosen one of his kids’ birthdays as the code but he couldn’t remember which one, he doesn’t know all their birthdays anyway, and he’s a bit cloudy as to who some of their mothers were. And who said satire was dead?

All of this is of course irrelevant, as even if the security forces can’t find a way to hack the phone, everyone knows that on pretty much any high street in Britain there’s a pop-up phone shop that can have it unlocked and fitted with a new screen and battery for £40.

Inevitably, the comments sections of the tabloid press – and the wind-up rentagobs of GammonBall News and Talk TV – have been calling for the BBC to be torn down (again) because the broadcaster who may or may not have done inappropriate things with a young person was One Of Theirs, and as such was (obviously) being SHIELDED by the corporation.

It’s curious, but I don’t remember these sage voices calling for ITV to be razed to the ground a couple of months ago when the presenter of THAT network’s flagship daytime show was busted for doing arguably far MORE dodgy (albeit legal) things with another perilously young friend. Or indeed howling for the abolition of the monarchy when Prince Andrew… (you get the idea – M)

Anti-Beeb opprobrium was not restricted to those media outlets who have a vested commercial interest in the corporation’s destruction; the stupider end of the political spectrum weighed in, too. Red Wallbanger and (to Rishi Sunak’s eternal shame) actual deputy chairman of the Conservative Party Lee Anderthal was moved to describe the BBC as “a safe haven for perverts”.

We must assume Mr Anderthal knows whereof he speaks, as the Tory Party’s role as a bolt-hole for sexual deviants has, of late, almost supplanted its principal function of fleecing the nation for fun and profit.

Leaving aside the party’s elevation to the prime ministership of Horny Orinoco himself, remember that his downfall was directly due to his promotion of notorious sex pest Chris Pincher to the Whip’s Office (stop giggling). There was also Neil Parish’s “tractor porn on the floor of the House” incident, the unnamed Tory MP investigated for sexual assault, the jailing last year of MP Imran Ahmad Khan for the sexual assault of a teenager, the marital rape conviction of Burton MP Andrew Griffiths (also accused of sexually harassing constituents) in 2021, Charlie Elphicke’s conviction for sexual assault in 2020, and many more (do some Googling; it’s grim stuff and I’m trying to keep it light – this is the “funny” page after all).

The ever-expanding list of Conservative MPs announcing that they will not be standing at the next election has acquired another name; that of the relatively sane and conspicuously competent (no wonder he’s been feeling a bit isolated) defence secretary, Ben Wallace.

This may yet go down as the first instance of a ship running out of rats before it even starts to sink.


If you’re looking for a speaker
Erudite and illustrious
For the paltry fee of 20 grand
Bag yourself Liz Truss

Prime minister for just six weeks
Each one calamitous
Who wouldn’t want to flock to hear
The wisdom of Liz Truss?

Can it be only nine short months
Since she abandoned us?
The economy’s still on its knees
Where are you now, Liz Truss?

So if you’ve nothing else to do
Let’s go hear her discuss
How none of it was her fault
(And pork markets). Hail, Liz Truss!

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