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Boris Johnson is heading for oblivion.. so should he open a theme park?

Comedian MITCH BENN ponders if the prime minister is making plans to open "Borisland" once his time at No.10 is done.

Peppa Pig-shaped lanterns during a light show in Guangdong Province, China. Photo: VCG via Getty Images.

Now the dust has settled, what did we all learn from the prime minister’s address to the CBI?

The CBI probably learned that they need to start using a new corporate speakers’ booking agency, actors learned that it’s apparently OK to fluff your lines even when you’re holding those lines printed on a bit of A4 paper, and, given that letters of no confidence began to arrive at the offices of the 1922 Committee the very next morning, Conservative MPs appear to have learned that their hitherto seemingly inexhaustible tolerance for this sort of thing might just have a limit after all.

The rest of us, meanwhile, learned that not only had our leader recently visited Peppa Pig World, but that it was “his sort of place”. Mr Johnson is, of course, about half a century older than Peppa Pig’s target demographic, but then he does have the attention span of a sugared-up three-year-old, so it’s entirely possible he felt very much at home during his visit to the theme park.

Or did Mr Johnson just mean that theme parks in general are his sort of place? Does he perhaps have it in mind to open such an establishment when his tenure at No.10 comes to an end, whenever that might be?

What sort of attractions would visitors expect to see… in BORISLAND?

THE U-TURN
Commonly known elsewhere as “the Waltzer”, this ride perfectly reproduces the G-force experienced by Conservative MPs who, having been paraded before the news cameras one afternoon with orders to defend to the hilt whatever hideously ill-conceived policy initiative the government had conjured up that morning, subsequently find themselves spending the whole of the next day being forced to applaud (and explain) the government’s frantic withdrawal of that same policy.

It’s tough, but those young Tory MPs will have to learn how to play ball if they want their careers to move forward. Remember, scheme if you want to go faster…

THE DODGEMS
A new spin on an old favourite: the buzzer sounds to begin the game, whereupon newspaper journalists and TV news reporters appear from all corners of the park, asking questions you knew perfectly well would be coming but for which you’ve done no preparation whatsoever. So it’s up to you to, yes – dodge ’em!

Dive into shop doorways! Hide behind minions and underlings! Throw cups of tea at them and run away! First one into the big fridge wins the star prize: a glowing write-up on the front page of the Daily Express!

THE GHOST TRAIN
A real favourite with park visitors who’ve travelled down from the north: a bare, windswept, spooky platform where you stand waiting for the highly expensive and technologically advanced train that you’ve been promised… and it never comes.

Woooooooo…

THE LOG FLUME
Log flumes are all well and good if you just want to slide down a ramp and get a bit wet, but what if someone wants to experience a truly thrilling aquatic adventure?

So, here at Borisland, you don’t get to sit inside the logs; rather you have to cling desperately to the sides as they’re buffeted through 22 miles of stormy, icy water. And if you fall off, that’s just too bad – anyone caught helping you to safety gets banned from the park for life!

THE TUNNEL OF LOVE
Boris Johnson is, famously, an incurable romantic (that’s one way of putting it – Ed) so the park wouldn’t be complete without The Tunnel of Love. And it is, of course, a very special tunnel here at Borisland: you emerge from the far end accompanied by a completely different partner to the one you went in with, while your spouse and children await your return with sad-but-not-exactly-surprised looks on their faces.

THE COASTER
No, not ROLLERcoaster; just “Coaster”. Boris Johnson, after all, only “rolls” when absolutely necessary but has been comfortably coasting for his entire career.

As such, to reflect the lofty peaks and plunging troughs which our leader has bravely endured on his path through life, the Coaster is more or less entirely flat.

Completely level for its whole length, except for a couple of barely noticeable dips, representing the day he was fired from The Times, briefly losing his majority in the House and that time Keir Starmer swore on the radio. Described as the “most boring ride ever” by the readers of Rollercoaster Monthly and “a non-stop white-knuckle thrill ride” by The Daily Telegraph.

POEM OF THE WEEK

The end of the pandemic
Never seemed so out of reach
The virus won’t be happy
Till we’ve all got a variant each.
We’ll keep our masks and vaccines
Though it feels like a lost cause
It’ll be scant consolation
When my variant’s tougher than yours.

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