Comedian MITCH BENN looks forward to how we can all spend our first summer after leaving the EU
Hi! I hope you’re all enjoying your final pre-Brexit summer!
Oh, were you trying not to think about that? Yeah, me too. Sorry.
Well, chin up! Brexit isn’t the end of the world! Not LITERALLY, anyway. Economically and socially it kind of is, but we’ll all still be here (apart from David Cameron; nobody knows where he’s gone). So to cheer you all up, here is a quick guide to things you will still be able to do next summer:
1 VISIT THANET
Why not spend a few days on the jewel of the Kentish coast, where you can roam unhindered through the fields of rotting unpicked strawberries and flick the V’s across the channel. If you’re a wildlife enthusiast, do keep an eye out for the Farage; it can sometimes be seen strutting along the shore, preening its chequered plumage and giving out its distinctive call: ‘Ninth time lucky’ and ‘What do you mean I’m not the leader? I’m ALWAYS the leader’.
2 PLAY ‘WHERE’S JEREMY?’
The fun game for all the family! Where’s Jeremy today? Is he at a rock festival, basking in the adoration of the crowd, congratulating him for winning that election he lost? Is he sat on the floor of a railway carriage, proving once again that lacking the organisational skills to book a bloody train ticket is no impediment to high office? Or is he in parliament, leading his party in opposition to legislation that is destroying the welfare of those he’s pledged to protect?
No, no he isn’t.
3 WELCOME YOUR GRANDPARENTS BACK
Yes, it’s time to finally finish that loft conversion or build that granny flat in your garden, because you’re going to need somewhere to put your elderly relatives after they’ve been kicked out of their Spanish retirement villas. They probably voted Remain, but you’ll have time for plenty of awkward conversations in which you shamefacedly explain that you didn’t realise that ‘ending freedom of movement’ didn’t just apply to foreigners.
4 VISIT SCOTLAND
Head north of the border while you still can! See the splendour of the Highlands, the beauty of the Isles, the bustle and vitality of Glasgow, the majesty of Edinburgh… and while you’re up there, try to learn the accent, then keep your head down and your mouth shut; if you’re really lucky they won’t notice you’re still in the country when they unilaterally declare independence and build The Wall, and you’ll be able to stay in the last sane bit of Britain. Phew.
5 STARE AT YOUR NEW PASSPORT
Look at it. No I mean really look at it. It’s so… BLUE. Like the bluest thing you ever saw. Like. I don’t know, just the most blue a blue thing has ever been. Isn’t it? Wow. I mean I know they said they were going to be blue, but not THIS blue. It’s like… how much more blue could it be? None. None more blue.
Makes it all worthwhile, doesn’t it?
6 HAVE A BARBECUE!
What better way to enjoy the great British summertime than by inviting a few friends round, firing up the old barbecue, cracking open some beers and relaxing in the garden. Obviously, you’d better start stockpiling the food now, as after next March there won’t be anything in the shops. Apart from tinned stuff of course. Have you ever tried cooking beans on a barbecue? It’s fun, once you’ve picked them out of the grate and scraped all the ashes off. Make the August Bank Holiday an August Food Bank Holiday!
7 VISIT THE PALACE TO SEE ‘THE CHANGING OF THE MIND’
Ah yes, the time-honoured ceremony of The Changing Of The Mind; every morning at the Palace Of Westminster, the regal figure of the prime minister strides purposefully into a meeting with a group of backbench Tory MPs, emerging some minutes later with a firm and unshakeable set of convictions, before crossing over to another meeting with a different group of backbench Tory MPs, after which she believes something else entirely.
8 GO TO AMERICA!
I know what you’re thinking. America? Really? While the Great Orange Toddler is in charge? What if you’re a bit, you know, dusky? Would you even get in? And if you did, would you ever see your kids again?
Well RELAX! I have it on good authority that ol’ Combover Cranky Pants will have been run out of office by next summer and will most probably be seeking political asylum in Russia, so it’ll be time for president Mike Pence! Freedom will reign once more!
For the men, anyway. As far as you ladies are concerned, it’s eyes down and speak when you’re spoken to.
Under His Eye…
9 WATCH THE MIGRATION OF THE BREXITEERS
As the summer fades into autumn, look to the skies and see the flocks of Brexiteers leaving our shores for sunnier and less economically vulnerable climes. Look! There goes Nigel, on his way to La Belle France! Look, there goes other Nigel, clutching his spanking new burgundy German passport! Look, there goes Jacob, off to the Emerald Isle to visit his money! Look! There goes Arron, off to Moscow for another pat on the head (Donald WILL be jealous)!
10 STILL GO TO EUROPE
You do know this is still an option, right? Of course it is. You can still go to Europe, nobody’s going to stop you. Unless you forget to apply for a visa, of course. And as long as you don’t mind queuing eight hours at passport control, on the way out and on the way back in again. Or shelling out £400 for that travel health insurance you’re currently getting for free. But never mind that! It’s all over now and it’s time to make the best of it, so why not pick up a copy of the new Post-Brexit Trans-European Phrasebook? You’ll soon be able to answer the question ‘Seriously, what the HELL were you thinking?’ in 12 different languages.