PM vows to bring broadband to ‘hedgerows’ after claiming Brexit ‘misery is behind us’

Thanking buyers for purchasing a “tea towel with a dodgy mock-up of me on it”, he explains that Brexit is now “finally crossed of the list”.

In one dubious claim he says: “Brexit, as our merch says, has got done. The gridlock and misery are behind us.”

He continues to explain that the “real work” now begins, before listing what he envisages the kind of country he wants to lead.

“A country where you don’t have to wait three weeks for a GP appointment. Where you feel safe when you walk home at night. Where every single child has a world-class education. Where most rural valleys and hedgerows are hooked up to a gigabit broadband. A country teeming with businesses that create jobs and grow our economy”.

Aside from the fact the Tories have been in power for almost a decade without managing to achieve all of that, the fact the ‘misery’ of Brexit is far from over, or that Brexit could make all of his ambitions more difficult, the claims about hooking up hedges to broadband have baffled geeks.

“Since when did a hedgerow need gigabit broadband?” asked The Register.

“Certainly the things are teeming with wildlife such as birds, dormice and, of course, hedgehogs. While we’ve not conducted a scientific survey, we suspect that none would react well to a fibre up the wazoo and Netflix on demand.”

It is little surprise that Brexiteers like Iain Duncan Smith are now calling for the experts to handle government business as it dawns on the Tories that they now need to deliver their election promises.