From Boris dancing to fruit farmville, STEVE ANGLESEY details what you should expect at Theresa May’s Festival of Brexit Britain.
They gave us plenty to choose from, but ultimately no disappointment at this Conservative conference was more keenly felt than the failure to put meat on the bones of Theresa May’s Festival Of Brexit Britain, aka Dismaland 2.
This was fitting, given that meatless bones will be the No.1 Sunday lunch craze in Brexit Britain. But also frustrating given the wave of popular acclaim which greeted the PM’s announcement of her grand new wheeze.
Here is a pragmatic leader who understands that there is no need to waste years and £100m on Andrea Jenkyns’ Brexit Royal yacht or waste decades and £15bn on Boris Johnson’s Brexit bridge to Ireland when you can quickly waste £120m on a Big Brexit marquee instead.
A series of attractions have already been planned for the event, including these:
• No-flight simulator: Climb into a model cockpit and take your plane on a thrill-packed ride from the stand to the runway and back again when the required permits fail to come through.
• Lemming Leap: Climb 300 feet up a full-scale model of the White Cliffs of Dover (height verified by Russian tourists) and jump off, pausing to congratulate yourself for taking back control of your money, your borders and your laws while plunging to certain death.
• Boris Dancing: Learn how to perform the traditional steps while reciting colonialist poetry.
• Fruit Farmville: Don a VR headset and board the virtual bus to a computerised fruit farm, where you’ll spend the next 12 hours picking digital fruit. Incredibly lifelike (Ride duration: 1 day. No peeping).
• Britain’s Most Red-Faced Man Competition
• David Davis’ Chamber of Wilful Unpreparedness: Escape Room-type game in which you search a mock-up of DD’s DExEU office for his Brexit plan (Spoiler: There is no Brexit plan).
• The Windrush experience: A Pirates of the Caribbean-style ride, departing from Tilbury Docks to an undisclosed destination in the sun (Ride duration: 1 month. No round trips).
• Wheatfield runner: A super-naughty video game race in which you hide from the farmer through levels of increasingly sparse fields as the lack of EU subsidies begins to kick in.
• Culmination of the BBC Forager of the Year contest
• Embrace Oblivion roller coaster: Like the famous Alton Towers ride, this plummets from a great height rapidly downwards through a giant black hole in the ground. Unlike the famous Alton Towers ride, it then just keeps on going.
• The tunnel of Gove: I’m A Celebrity-style endurance test in which contestants crawl through a tube while bees, water voles, North Sea fish, free-range puppies and supermarket waste food are dropped on their heads.
• Empty supermarket sweep: In tribute to the late Dale Winton, a fun scamper past bare shelves to locate the country’s last croissant. • Red Arrows display: Watch the skies get covered in an unintelligible criss-cross of red lines.
• Mechanical hormone-enhanced bull: Crazy farmer Liam Fox has given the traditional fairground mechanical bull an injection of steroids! The resultant G-force on your wild ride is enough to rip a man in two!
• Lifesize statue of Buckingham Palace, made out of Spam.
• Mario Kart, M20 edition: Nintendo tie-in. Choose your character, pick your crazy kart, rev your engines and sit in stationary traffic for several weeks.
• Whack-a-mole: And then eat it for dinner.
Drinks can be taken in Nigel Farage-themed pub, The Dog & Whistle (alcohol only, smoking compulsory). There will be a wide choice of catering options, as long as your choice happens to be Hog Roast.
The Festival of Brexit Britain is due to open in early 2021. So around winter 2027, then.
Thanks to readers Imogen Steuart-Fielding, Richard Luck, Peter Davison, Ralph Whitehead, Mortissues, Darren Leathley and Jon Ward for contributions
Steve Anglesey appears on The New European podcast every Friday. Download it for FREE from our website, Spotify or iTunes.