It’s looking increasingly likely that in its ongoing pursuit of its sole remaining policy platform of culture wars to own the Libs, crush the Lefty Lawyers and usher in the Thousand Year Gammonocracy, the twitching, spasming vestiges of what used to be the Conservative government will attempt to withdraw the “United” Kingdom from the European Convention on Human Rights.
Of course, many pinko bedwetters have started to fret and fuss about where this would lead, and indeed what if any human rights would continue to be enshrined in British law should we no longer be signatories. Well, eat this, doubters! This week, TNE can exclusively reveal that the namby-pamby ECHR will be superseded in dear ol’ Blighty by the brand spanking new…
TORY CONVENTION ON HUMAN RIGHTS
The articles of the new convention will of course be closely modelled on those of the European one. With a few adjustments (see Editor’s notes)
ARTICLE 1: OBLIGATION TO RESPECT HUMAN RIGHTS
NB. As of the establishment of this convention, HM Government reserves the right to define “human” (basically anyone on more than £50k a year).
ARTICLE 2: RIGHT TO LIFE
Everyone’s right to life will be protected by law, as long as they’ve got BUPA.
ARTICLE 3: PROHIBITION OF TORTURE
Except when specifically requested and paid for in advance (a chap’s got to have some hobbies, after all).
ARTICLE 4: PROHIBITION OF SLAVERY
Except when specifically requested and paid for in advance (See 3).
ARTICLE 5: RIGHT TO LIBERTY AND SECURITY
Everyone will be at liberty to hire their own security (the few police officers will be kept busy protecting us from protesters and angry ex-wives).
ARTICLE 6: RIGHT TO A FAIR TRIAL
The British legal system is the finest money can buy; long may it remain so.
ARTICLE 7: NO PUNISHMENT WITHOUT LAW
Again, unless specifically requested and paid for in advance (see 3 & 4).
ARTICLE 8: RESPECT FOR PRIVATE AND FAMILY LIFE
Because it’s important to ensure there’s never any crossover between the two…
ARTICLE 9: FREEDOM OF THOUGHT, CONSCIENCE AND RELIGION
Look, Jacob, it says religion! Are you happy now?
ARTICLE 10: FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION
The British people will be free to pull whatever silly faces they want. As long as they don’t say anything nasty or incriminating about us.
ARTICLE 11: FREEDOM OF ASSEMBLY AND ASSOCIATION
Really? This is still in here? Oh well, just tell them “assembly” only refers to model kits and “association” is that word game that psychiatrists play, and if they try marching or calling a rally we’ll set the rozzers on ’em.
ARTICLE 12: RIGHT TO MARRY
Yup, this is staying. And the right to dump her for a hotter, younger model the minute she hits size 12, eh chaps?
ARTICLE 13: RIGHT TO AN EFFECTIVE REMEDY
I think this means paracetamol. Fine, they can have paracetamol. Weird.
ARTICLE 14: PROHIBITION OF DISCRIMINATION
There is to be NO discrimination on grounds of race, religion or sexuality. Just on which school you went to.
ARTICLE 15: DEROGATION IN TIMES OF EMERGENCY
Make a note of this one, it’ll come in handy around the end of next year.
ARTICLE 16: RESTRICTIONS ON POLITICAL ACTIVITIES OF ALIENS
They’re REAL? OK, then; they can vote, but they need to pack it in with that whole exploding out of their chests thing. It’s simply not on.
ARTICLE 17: PROHIBITION OF ABUSE OF RIGHTS
What does that even mean? How many more of these are there? I’m bored.
ARTICLE 18: LIMITATION ON USE OF RESTRICTIONS OF RIGHTS
NO, no, sorry, I’ve had quite enough of this and anyway we only need ONE article and here it is:
THE ONLY ARTICLE WE NEED
Right, listen peasants: we do whatever we like and you do whatever you’re told. That’s how it is, that’s how it’s always been and that’s how it’ll always be because this is OUR BLOODY COUNTRY. There, stick that on the bloody website.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Donald Trump’s in court again
Once more he’s been arraigned
Once more his wrath and bluster
Can scarcely be contained
Nor his rage at being told
That from the law he’s not exempt
They’d better hide his phone
Before he goes down for contempt
Donald Trump’s in court again
Denying all offence
All he did was send an angry mob
To string up poor Mike Pence
So many charges on the sheet
We’re all a bit confused
It’s quicker to list the crimes of which
He HASN’T been accused
