So the great unflushable turd of British politics Nigel Farage came third in the latest season of ITV’s jungle-based reality/game show I’m a Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here! This will have come as a disappointment to Farage, who will have been hoping either to emerge as the clear victor (with his entirely spurious Man Of The People bona fides duly burnished) or have been slung out early on, thus giving him a chance to revel in The Man You Love To Hate status or just have a good old wallow in some of that lovely fake victimhood that those on the hard right seem to crave so much.
The blow of coming third will be softened by the £1.5m which ITV, to its eternal shame, ponied up for his appearance, and the only problem now is that in order to maintain his historic form, Nasty Nigel has to enter and lose the competition six more times. In any event, if Farage is dissatisfied with the result of this brazen attempt to detoxify his public image, here are some more things he could do to “funwash” himself.
APPEAR ON BRITAIN’S GOT TALENT
I’m not sure what talents Farage possesses other than self-publicity and accidentally exacerbating ethnic tensions, but I’m sure that won’t slow him down. Besides, he’s always looking for more TV exposure during those six-week gaps he endures between Question Time appearances.
The only trouble with this show in particular is the name, given that Farage is incapable of saying the words “Britain’s got…” without following it with “TOO MANY FOREIGNERS”.
START HIS OWN COOKERY SHOW
Anyone else remember when Nick Griffin, previous darling of British xenophobes, started posting recipes on YouTube? No seriously, he did; feel free to check if they’re still up there (I can’t be bothered).
Farage could take inspiration from Griffin and host his own online cookery programme, presenting some of the finest examples of Great British Cuisine. I’ve no idea if he can cook worth a damn, and let’s face it, it’s not going to be a very long-running show, as once you’ve done overcooked beef, overcooked lamb, shepherd’s pie and Yorkshire puddings you’re kind of stuffed, but still worth a shot.
As long as Nigel doesn’t turn Nigella and do the “saucy flirty winks to camera” thing (dry heave).
BECOME A POP STAR
I shouldn’t imagine Farage has written many songs, but perhaps Morrissey would lend him some of his. I’m sure they’d have lots to talk about in any case.
BECOME A FINANCIAL SELF-HELP GURU
Remember, folks, one must never use the “R” word to describe hatred and suspicion of all things foreign; it makes the gammons very sad. As we all learned during and after the Brexit vote and the Trump era, it’s not the “R” word that makes people vote for politicians who blame everything on immigrants, it’s ECONOMIC ANXIETY. As in “the civil rights movement arose in response to the economic anxiety of the Jim Crow laws” or “In retrospect, the Black and White Minstrel Show and Love Thy Neighbour were a bit economically anxious, weren’t they?”
So, given that economic anxiety seems to be so prevalent among Farage’s supporters, perhaps he could put their minds at ease by offering them some handy money tips, such as “How to get Arron Banks to pay your rent” or “How to throw a massive queeny fit when the Extremely Posh And Exclusive Bank For Royalty And The Very Wealthy tells The Man Of The People to take his business elsewhere”.
GET INTO STAND-UP COMEDY
I could probably set this up if he wanted, but I suspect he’d prefer to slide across from his “opinion” desk at GammonBall News (where his absence while in the jungle was doubtless keenly felt by both of his viewers) and over to one of their “satire” shows.
Maybe they could give him his own comedy strand; “Punching Down With Nigel”. All he has to do is come up with his own wording of The Anti-Woke Joke. All together now: “I suppose I can identify as a hat stand, can I?” Hilarious!
DO SOMETHING HALFWAY POSITIVE FOR A CHANGE, RATHER THAN JUST CEASELESSLY PICK ON THE DISADVANTAGED TO ENHANCE HIS OWN WEALTH AND PROFILE
Not very likely, this one, is it?
POEM OF THE WEEK
Robert Jenrick ran away
Is he the first of many?
Will Rishi’s ministers peel off
Until he hasn’t any?
Will Jenrick join Suella’s gang
And aid in her subversion?
Will others flock to swell their ranks
And cause a mass desertion?
Will Rishi plead for unity
As former friends ignore him?
Till he has an empty cabinet
As Boris did before him?
If Rishi’s days are numbered now
Amid this insurrection
Don’t have a leadership contest
Just call the damn election
Mitch Benn performs his one-man version of Dickens’s A Christmas Carol at the Barons Court Theatre, London from December 20-23 in aid of St Mungo’s Homeless Charity. Tickets from baronscourttheatre.com