Hugely gratifying though it might be to lock parliament’s doors behind Boris Johnson as he strops off into exile and draw a line under his not so much chequered as positively gingham political career, if there’s one thing we’ve learned about the departing sex-yeti it’s that you never write him off. It’s even none-too-subtly hinted in his 1,200-word blame-hurling resignation whinge in last week’s Spectator that he intends his absence from public life to be as brief as possible (I actually just misspelt “public life” as “pubic life”; I immediately corrected the typo but l doubt he’ll stay out of that for long either).
Oh and while we’re here; the Spectator tantrum wasn’t a very dignified way to bow out, was it? Though I suppose if he’d gone down the more traditional route of announcing that he was resigning to spend more time with his family, everyone would have responded: “Which one?”
In any event, it seems clear that Boris Johnson has no intention of disappearing any time soon. Assuming he DOESN’T manage to sleaze his way into a safe Tory seat by the next election, here are:
SOME OTHER WAYS BORIS JOHNSON COULD GET BACK INTO PUBLIC LIFE
THE INEVITABLE REALITY SHOW
Let’s face it, the offers from the American networks and the streaming services started coming in before Boris was out of the building, and given his pathological need for attention and chronic money problems it’s doubtful he’ll be able to resist for long. And if the magic of reality TV could turn Ozzy Osbourne from drug-addled old maniac to national treasure back in the 00s, just think what the Boris & Carrie Show could do for the Johnsons…
Trouble is, it would have to STILL be the Boris & Carrie Show past season one, which is more commitment than Boris is used to… Also, celebrity reality shows rather depend on the idea that the more you get to know a sleb, the more likeable they become, whereas in Boris’s case the reverse is true…
STAND-UP COMEDY
Boris’s talents lie more towards comedy than politics (none of this would be happening if he hadn’t got a bunch of laughs on Have I Got News all those years ago). There’s also a tradition in stand-up of “character” comics; acts who adopt an outrageously exaggerated version of their own persona on stage in order to put some ironic “distance” between themselves and their own material, the better to get away with saying some pretty bleak and offensive things…
Hang on, he’s already a stand-up, isn’t he. Except while the rest of us are slogging our guts out in dingy clubs or at the Edinburgh Fringe, he found a way to use his comedic skills to end up running the country. For the first time in my life I’m experiencing a twinge of admiration for the man.
WRITE KIDS’ BOOKS
Everything that Boris says or writes is already fiction, so he may as well start doing it on purpose. And, what with one thing and another, one imagines he’s had to read a few bedtime stories over the years, so it shouldn’t be much of a stretch for him to come up with his own – maybe the tale of a lonely young lad who is sent to a strange old school for the most special boys in the kingdom, where he learns of his destiny to become the most important person in history…
LAUNCH A RANGE OF HAIR CARE PRODUCTS
Why not bring out his own range of hair-tangling combs and disordering sprays and gels? You too could lull your opponents and inquisitors into a false sense of superiority if you mess up your barnet with BORIS LINE. Because you’re not worth it (but he is).
ROCK AND ROLL
I have no idea if Boris has any musical talent whatsoever, but that’s scarcely an impediment to pop stardom. Our biggest chart sensation for the last decade has been a five-foot-nothing ginger busker, so all bets really are off. Besides, most British pop stars these days are privately educated Oxbridge types, he’ll fit right in.
GB NEWS PRESENTER
No, this is meant to be a SATIRICAL piece. That’s just a straightforward prediction.
YOUTUBER
In the unlikely event that GammonBall News DON’T come a-knockin’, this is the 2020s and ANYONE can have their own TV channel now. And YouTube is, after all, the ideal place for angry white men peddling bizarre conspiracy theories about why they’re not running the world any more.
AND IF ALL ELSE FAILS…
… there’s always Only Fans.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Boxes full of secrets
That nobody should have
Donald Trump he nicked them
And stashed them in his lav
Piles of piles of boxes
More than he could hide
Full of information
That’s highly classified
The FBI came knocking
And found the boxes there
Now Donald’s been indicted
Much to his despair
He cries that it’s a witch hunt
Hear him rant and wail
Because it’s hard to run for
President from jail
