Last week saw the long, long LONG awaited release of the much-delayed James Bond film, No Time To Die. As you will have read, incumbent 007 Daniel Craig is hanging up his Walther PPK and moving on to new roles – hopefully, ones which are slightly easier on the joints.
This has of course given rise to the usual flurry of speculation as to who will step into Bond’s expensively handmade shoes, but perhaps too little attention is being paid as to how much the world has changed since Craig took over. Whoever the new 007 turns out to be, he (or she) will be off on an altogether different type of adventure.
Here, then, are some post-Brexit Bond movies…
Bond puts his knee out jumping out of an exploding building, and then sits for six hours on a hard plastic chair in A&E surrounded by crying bleeding people because his local NHS hospital is pathetically understaffed.
FROM RUSSIA WITH GOVE
007 is in Moscow posing as a Russian gangster, but his efforts to infiltrate the local crime syndicate are hampered by the unexpected presence of the secretary of state for levelling up, housing and communities who keeps dragging him out to nightclubs and dancing like Mr Bean on ketamine.
ON HER MAJESTY’S EXTREMELY SECRET SERVICE
007 is despatched to Buckingham Palace at the specific request of HM the Queen and asked, at great public expense, to keep tabs on Our Andrew and make sure he stays out of (any more) trouble.
LIVE AND LET DIE
James Bond is seconded to work in NHS management and finds he has some difficult decisions to make…
THE SPY WHO DEPORTED ME
Bond is looking forward to meeting his CIA pal Felix Leiter in London, but is disappointed to learn that Felix has been kicked out of the country by the Home Office having been wrongly identified as a Windrush immigrant.
As hyper-inflation kicks in, Bond discovers that his dwindling MI6 salary can no longer cover his living expenses and is reduced to rummaging in the dumpsters round the back of Fortnum & Mason in search of just-expired caviar.
NEVER SAY BREXIT AGAIN
As the nation spirals into chaos and despair, Bond is sent by M to discover the cause. Which he does, almost immediately, because it’s glaringly obvious what the cause is, but he is ordered to go and check again because whatever is destroying Britain it is not Brexit, because it just bloody isn’t, ok 007?
A VIEW TO A QUILL
Bond comes up against Jacob R-M, a twisted fanatic obsessed with turning back time: not content with banishing metric measurements, he’s determined to eradicate all technology and go back to writing on bits of parchment with ink pots and pointy feathers.
LICENCE TO DRIVE AN HGV
Bond is sent to learn to drive an articulated lorry. That’s it. No secret mission, nothing to infiltrate or investigate, he just gets packed off to get his HGV permit because we need truck drivers more than we need secret agents just now, sorry.
THE WORLD IS NOT BOTHERED
To promote the exciting new Global Britain, Bond is sent as a trade envoy to forge links with distant countries. However, he discovers that since the UK is now regarded as a failed state and international punchline with no respect for treaties or protocols, nobody wants anything to do with us anymore. So he decides to just blow some things up and have sex with ladies instead.
CRY ANOTHER DAY
Captured by Euro-terrorists, Bond is tortured by being forced to listen to angry Brexiters going on and on about how this isn’t the Brexit they voted for, nobody told them that this was going to happen and how it’s all the Remoaners’ fault wah wah wah….
CASINO ROYALE NATIONAL LIFEBOAT INSTITUTION
Bond goes undercover with the RNLI to make sure they’re not rescuing any foreign-looking people.
QUANTUM OF BORIS
Bond uncovers a fiendish plot by a charming but power-crazed megalomaniac to re-create the human race in his own image by impregnating literally every woman he ever comes into contact with…
NO TIME TO LIE
Promoted to the position of HM Government press officer, Bond quits due to nervous exhaustion after a week, having been unable to cope with the mental strain of telling more untruths per second than his brain could process…
BOND THEME OF THE WEEK
They were always there in your local store
But now no more
There’s no fish fingers…
Chicken legs or eggs since we ‘took control’
And no bog roll!
There’s no fruit and no veg offered here
It’s all rotting in depots I fear
For the truckers who
Brought it to the country
Have been kicked out, we’re hungry
Are all gone, best stock up on food that’s canned