There are, let’s face it, VERY few things of which Boris Johnson hasn’t yet been accused over the course of his not-so-much chequered as pixelated career, but subtlety is definitely among them. He has worn his insatiable lust for gratification of all imaginable kinds so proudly on his sleeve for so long now that it can’t be considered a “bug” in his personality; it’s the most prominent feature thereof.
The fact that Johnson stuck around for two months after his “resignation” suggested to many that he was hoping some circumstance would arise which would allow him to stay on, and when his successor’s regime imploded after six weeks he tried to jump straight back in.
Now his successor’s successor is floundering, and reduced to appointing 30p Lee as deputy party chairman in a transparent attempt to motivate the “culture war” voters (it is almost charming how the son of Punjabi immigrants still thinks he can become the darling of bigots, and by “almost” I do of course mean “not in the least bit”). So naturally, Boris is on manoeuvres; he’s grumbling about the Protocol talks and as you can read elsewhere in this edition, he is reported to be buying a house (we await to hear with whose money) a long way away from his somewhat precarious constituency of Uxbridge but conveniently close to his previous and altogether safer seat of Henley.
Meanwhile, fervent Johnsonistas appear to be working at the local level to deselect those Conservative MPs who wielded the assassins’ daggers last July, with Damien Green already having been told his services will not be required at the next election. So even if Boris can’t reinstall himself while the Tories are still in power, the plan seems to be to ensure that whatever’s left of the parliamentary party after a defeat will flock to his gruesomely stained banner.
So, at the risk of giving him ideas, what else could Boris Johnson be doing to worm his way back into office? Here are some thoughts…
APPOINT HIMSELF “SUPREME LEADER” IN HIS OWN RESIGNATION HONOURS LIST
Given that Johnson has already ennobled his own brother and is rumoured to be considering elevating much of the rest of his family to the Lords on his way out (like the place isn’t full of Johnsons already), there don’t appear to be many limits on which title he’s allowed to bestow upon whom. So why not just make one up and confer it upon himself? Admittedly, Supreme Leader isn’t quite “King of the World” (which Boris apparently declared his intention of becoming one day while still at school) but it’s a start.
CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT PARLIAMENT IS HAUNTED
I’m sure Boris knows enough showbiz types (he certainly has some very close friends high up in the BBC) to be able to round up a decent practical FX crew. Once assembled, he could set them to work converting the Palace of Westminster into a state-of-the-art Haunted House-style attraction, with the added bonus that only he would know that the weird noises and terrifying apparitions weren’t real…
Once he’s gained the kudos of being the only MP brave enough to enter the chamber – and perhaps staged a couple of exorcisms (“The power of Brexit compels you!”) Boris should be unstoppable.
JUST CARRY ON ACTING LIKE HE’S STILL PM IN THE HOPE WE’LL ALL FORGET HE ISN’T
This is the approach Johnson has taken thus far, with only limited success. Probably not very sustainable as, if anything, he’s been putting more effort into PRETENDING to be PM than he ever put into the job itself.
POISONING
Boris is of course a keen student of the classics, and if the judicious distribution of hemlock was good enough to eliminate Socrates, it’s good enough for him.
NAFF OFF SOMEPLACE ELSE
Let’s be honest; as long as Boris gets to be the Lord High Grand Fromage of SOMEWHERE, he doesn’t really care where. So if it’s the case that he has finally outstayed his welcome in his home nation’s corridors of power, there’s bound to be a small unstable (or de-stabilisable) republic in Central America or somewhere that would appreciate his talents, one he could mould in his own image; possibly even rename (Boristan? Johnsonia?).
SUPPLANT THE HUMAN POPULATION WITH HIS SPAWN
You’ve read The Midwich Cuckoos/seen Village of the Damned, haven’t you? Well, there you go then. And he’s already made a decent start…
POEM OF THE WEEK
“Heseltine’s a lefty”
The Brexiteers all shout
He popped up last week on Talk TV
And sorted them all out
On how Brexit is the reason
We’re desperate and broke
Now the Brexiters are muttering
“Heseltine’s gone woke”.
“Tarzan is a pinko”
The leavers all opine
When they’ve had their nonsense arguments
Carved up by Heseltine
“He’s a traitor,” snarl the Tories
When the truth is all too plain
He’s exactly who he always was
While they’ve all gone insane.
