So, it seems that last week the gods and/or the Conservative government decided that our once-proud nation being only metaphorically up to its knees in doo-doo was no longer humiliating enough, with newly relaxed-to-the-point-of-non-existent hygiene and safety regulations permitting our privatised water suppliers to merrily disgorge thousands of tonnes of raw untreated sewage directly on to our beaches and into our waterways.
The reaction on social media was swift, with all the Tory MPs who had supported the deregulation being named, shamed (yeah, like THAT’s still a thing) and pictured on Twitter, presumably in the hope that this decision would be hung about their necks like a poo-covered albatross until the next election.
This, in turn, prompted the government’s defenders at GB News – which Liz Truss claimed this week was “not the BBC, you know – you guys actually get your facts right” – to point out that this was a foul calumny. They insisted that these MPs had in no way voted IN FAVOUR of dumping vast quantities of human faeces into the sea and rivers; rather, they had simply voted AGAINST amendments which might have prevented it, which is not even remotely the same thing.
While the old “bonfire of regulations” has long been a dream of libertarians everywhere, one can’t help but wonder if they had imagined this bonfire lit so hurriedly and desperately in order to disguise the fact the country is no longer organised or stable enough to enforce these regulations.
And with right wing newspapers now running articles explaining why malnutrition is good for you, or encouraging their readers to eat rotten and mouldy food (no, really), it is hard to see what standards we still have that could yet be relaxed.
But let’s have a go anyway …
REMAINING FOOD HYGIENE STANDARDS
Because after all, an expiration date is just a number. And don’t be such a hypocrite! You’re perfectly happy to eat cheese that’s gone blue; why shouldn’t the same thing apply to chicken?
Besides, you’ve been saying you could do with losing a few pounds…
STANDARDS OF CONDUCT IN PUBLIC OFFICE
Wait, we still have these? Huh! Who knew?
ALL THOSE PETTIFOGGING 1950s ANTI-SMOG LAWS
Before the 1956 Clean Air Act, the average household’s dependence on coal fires to keep warm regularly resulted in blinding, choking smog clouds engulfing urban centres, with terrible concomitant effects upon safety and health. The “Great Smog of London” of 1952 is estimated to have caused the deaths of at least 4,000 people and made more than 100,000 people ill.
Now, hardly anyone uses coal fires. However, given that after October only hedge fund managers will be able to afford to switch their heating on, people will have to start looking for things to set fire to…
Once the aforementioned act has been repealed, it will be much easier to find winter fuel. Anything can be fed to the flames; telegraph poles, lorries, frozen pensioners, unsold pigs, books by politically suspect authors, politically suspect authors.
In fact, there’s a thought.
MAKE IT LEGAL TO HUNT REMAINERS FOR FOOD
Now this really would kill a lot of troublesome birds with one stone. While Rishi Sunak’s leadership hopes have all but faded to nothing, his suggestion that those who “denigrate Britain” should be sent to re-education camps did gain a bit of traction with the Conservative party faithful.
And who is more guilty of denigrating Britain than those lily-livered quislings who dared suggest that Britain might not emerge triumphant and reinvigorated, after having told its closest strategic allies and trading partners to go suck it?
Mind you, those “re-education camps” don’t sound cheap. And who is going to staff them, given that we’ve got a huge skilled labour shortage, having (purely coincidentally) kicked all the foreign skilled labourers out?
Rather than giving all those moaning layabouts who turn up at food banks yet ANOTHER handout, how about issuing them with crossbows and a list of all the Lib Dem voters, Guardian readers and polyglots in their area instead? Hurrah! No more whining op-ed pieces AND a fresh joint of meat on every table!
Hey, James O’Brien? Start running!
POEM OF THE WEEK
‘I’ll stay in place and do my job’
Those were the PM’s words.
But now he lays on golden sands
While ours are strewn with turds.
Our shores are choked with effluent,
Our seasides and resorts,
But not the foreign beaches
Where our leader now cavorts.
Get back to work, the people cry,
But he ignores the call.
For he is, and will always be
The biggest turd of all.