It was announced last week that the Ministry of Housing, Communities and Local Government is to be redesignated “The Department of Levelling Up”. Because all you have to do to make something real is to slap it on a sign in front of the building.
With this in mind, here are some more ministries the government is thinking of renaming…
The DEPARTMENT of HEALTH and SOCIAL CARE will be renamed THE MINISTRY FOR BUCKING YOUR IDEAS UP
The government feels that too much emphasis has been placed of late on the technical, functional aspects of healthcare such as diagnosis, treatment and actually curing people, with far too little attention being paid to the spiritual and emotional end of wellbeing, specifically the traditional British values of not grumbling and keeping your pecker up.
In future, the Ministry will focus less on things like reducing waiting times and improving outcomes, and concentrate more on promoting how being horribly, debilitatingly unwell builds character.
The FOREIGN, COMMONWEALTH and DEVELOPMENT OFFICE is to be renamed THE MINISTRY OF SHOUTING.
The government has concluded that the inexorable decline in the UK’s international standing in the years since the Second World War can be directly traced back to the moment that Britons stopped shouting at foreigners and started trying to talk to them like they were actual people.
In a long-overdue initiative to reverse this downward trend, the newly revivified Ministry of Shouting will recruit the loudest, most enthusiastic and least well-informed monoglots our nation has to offer and send them as diplomats and trade envoys to the furthest corners of the globe (preferential selection will be offered to those who believe that the globe has corners).
So if you have ever lost your temper with a Chinese waiter, or found yourself standing in a Spanish airport bellowing “OU EST LE BLOODY TRANSIT BUS?”, then apply today! The Ministry of Shouting needs you!
The MINISTRY OF JUSTICE is to be renamed the DEPARTMENT OF GETTING TOUGH AND CLAMPING DOWN.
The government feels that the time has come to GET TOUGH and CLAMP DOWN on criminals. Only by GETTING TOUGH and CLAMPING DOWN can we end the scourge of crime that blights our society.
By CLAMPING DOWN TOUGHLY on crime we will ensure a brighter future for our children. So look out criminals! You are about to be GOT DOWN ON and TOUGHLY CLAMPED!*
*Apart from the ones who are, you know, The Right Sort of Chap.
The CABINET OFFICE is to be renamed BORIS’S FUN CLUB.
For too long, an atmosphere of stuffy, old-world fustiness has pervaded British politics, and the government feels that this can only be changed from the top down.
From now on, once you’re in Boris’ Fun Club, not only will there be dress-down Fridays, there will be dress-up Mondays (bring your own costume – no blackface, people are watching). And remember, once you’re in Boris’ fun club, you can do pretty much anything you like without being asked to leave (apart from Gavin Williamson – we have to have some standards).
The MINISTRY OF DEFENCE is to be renamed THE MINISTRY OF STICKING IT TO JOHNNY FOREIGNER
Because they don’t like it up ‘em. No sir, they don’t like it up ‘em.
HM TREASURY is to be renamed THE BLACK HOLE OF HORSE GUARDS ROAD
Imagine the emptiest thing possible. A deep, dark, long dried out well. The unfathomable, yawning vacuum between galaxies. The inside of Chris Grayling’s head.
You imagining that? You’re not even close…
The NORTHERN IRELAND OFFICE is to be renamed BUGGERED IF WE KNOW
The Whitehall press office has released the following statement:
“I say, you fellows, it’s all a bit knotty, this, isn’t it? I mean not only does it turn out there are TWO DIFFERENT IRELANDS (I know! Who knew?) but ONE of the Irelands, the little one at the top, has at least two different kinds of Irish people in it!
“There was nothing about this in old Mr Cruikshanks’s history class, just a lot of stuff about how we won the war by being best at everything and how the world’s gone to hell in a handbasket ever since we handed the empire back to the ungrateful natives. Anyway, we’ve done Brexit now so that ought to make everything much simpler.”
POEM OF THE WEEK
Is your ministry a failure
Is it steeped in gloom and shame?
We can make it look much better
If we simply change the name.
Does “Her Majesty’s Home Office”
Evoke misery and dread?
How about we call it
“Priti’s Happy House” instead?
Out in the private sector
They do this quite a lot
“Windscale” sounded scary
“Sellafield” did not/
So let’s all get rebranding
And make everything okay
Let’s change the name of Downing Street
To Upping Street today!