We’ve reflected in these pages before upon how, from the prime minister’s personal point of view, Russia invading Ukraine might not be the worst thing that could happen just now, given the tendency for public opinion to rally round the flag during times of conflict and his own dire present need for something to distract the press and populace from his ever-expanding catalogue of iniquities. Whether this influenced Mr Johnson’s thinking in despatching his new(ish) foreign secretary, Liz Truss, to Moscow we can only hypothesise, but if that’s the case it seems to be working like a charm.
Even if the agenda were simply to embolden Russia by presenting as vague and chaotic a British “front” as possible, Ms Truss seized every opportunity to make this happen. She got off to a cracking start, posting pictures of herself wearing a huge fur hat gazing (purposefully?) into the distance while standing in Red Square, looking a lot like the cover of a low-budget straight-to-cable John Le Carré adaptation, and, reportedly, causing bemusement among the hatless Russian passers-by as they enjoyed the mildest Russian February for years.
She was then – allegedly – suckered by the sneaky Russian foreign secretary, Sergei Lavrov, into insisting that the UK would never recognise Russian sovereignty over the regions Rostov and Voronezh. These two regions are, of course, safely INSIDE Russian territory and everyone, including the UK, recognises this. Ms Truss rounded off her visit with a group photocall of assorted foreign dignitaries in which she appeared to have one trouser leg rolled up, a bizarre gesture which is no doubt being interpreted in certain online circles as the foreign secretary relaying coded messages to her Masonic paymasters.
Assuming that the third world war has NOT yet started by the time you read this, here is a short list I’ve drawn up of… Five inanimate objects that would make a better foreign secretary than Liz Truss.
1 A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF MARGARET THATCHER
Because let’s face it, that’s pretty much what we DID send them; Liz Truss’s Mrs Thatch tribute act gets ever more brazen the slacker Boris’s grip on Number 10 becomes (the fur hat incident in particular being a note-for-note cover version of a Mrs T photo-op from 1987).
However, as a diplomatic envoy, a full-size photograph of Margaret Thatcher would score over Liz Truss in two vital regards: 1) It would remind foreign leaders of a time when Britain had a leader who, whatever else she might have been, WAS in fact respected overseas, and 2) It wouldn’t say or do anything.
2 A BOX SET OF MICHAEL PALIN TV TRAVELOGUES
These would serve to reassure our foreign colleagues that it’s possible for a globetrotting Brit to be funny and charming about being completely flustered and bemused by the customs and traditions of distant nations, rather than getting pompous, obnoxious and defensive about it.
3 A REALLY NICE CUP OF TEA
Just how many tense and difficult situations COULDN’T be solved or at the very least enormously ameliorated by the judicious deployment of a decent brew? We’ve all seen this happen! Marriages saved! Friendships rescued! Years-long disputes resolved, all by the extraordinary healing power of tea! We know this works! Let’s get tea out there on the diplomatic frontlines where it belongs!
(NB Just DON’T let the Americans try to make it. PUT DOWN THE TEA BAGS AND STEP AWAY FROM THE MICROWAVE, YANKS).
4 A SHEPHERD’S PIE
Not a GOOD shepherd’s pie, mind you; a really bog-standard supermarket ready meal shepherd’s pie, all wet dribbly mash and grey, sweaty mince. This would cause a little confusion, of course, but its meaning would soon become clear to our potential adversaries. “You think you can intimidate the British?” it would say. “We eat THIS. We CHOOSE to eat this. You think there’s ANYTHING you can threaten us with?”
In fact, if the years since 2016 have shown anything, it’s that whatever indignity our enemies might want to inflict upon the British, we’ll happily inflict far worse upon ourselves.
5 AN ACTUAL TRUSS
Remember, prime minister; the surgical appliance of that name provides GENUINE support, rather than making a great show of supporting you while plotting your humiliation and downfall.
POEM OF THE WEEK
Can’t tell no racy stories
Can’t even crack a joke
Can’t pick on anyone these days
’Cos everybody’s woke.
Can’t call women ladies
Can’t call a man a bloke
Which words to use? I’m so confused
And everybody’s woke.
Life used to be so simple
When there was no disgrace
In putting freaks and misfits
Firmly in their place.
What happened to the certainties
That we knew before?
Why can’t I be a racist sexist
Bully any more?
All rights have been abolished
Rescinded and revoked
By which I mean my rights, not yours
Now everybody’s woke.
