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Don’t Stop Deceivin’: The Downing Sreet New Year’s Eve festivities

Comedian MITCH BENN reports from the Number 10 New Year's Eve Karaoke Party.

Matt Hancock does Matt Monroe at the Tory Party Conference, 2021.

There was cheese and wine a-plenty
And fizz and nibbles too
At the Number 10 New Year’s Eve
Karaoke do.
The great and good assembled
And partied till the light
At the Number 10 New Year’s Eve
Karaoke night.
First to bravely take the mike
Was the fearless Ms Patel
She chose an old soul standard
And she sang it rather well:


Sitting in the morning sun
I’ll be waiting for the boats to come
Watching refugees sail in
See the coastguard chase them out again
I’m sitting at the edge of the drink
Watching migrants try not to sink
Just sitting at the edge of the sea

Farage and me

Then Dominic Raab stepped up to sing
And he didn’t do half bad
With a song he first heard long ago
In a Levi’s blue jeans ad.


Don’t know much about history
Don’t know much geography
Don’t know much about kings or queens
Don’t know what misogyny means
But I do know how to get away

If I could always be on holiday
What a wonderful job this would be

Don’t know much ’bout the economy
Don’t know that you can’t close the sea
Don’t know much about businesses
Don’t know where the English Channel is
But I do know one and one is two
At least I think, let me get back to you
It’s no wonder they all laugh at me

Liz Truss, the Foreign Secretary
Was next to do a bit
She gazed into the PM’s eyes
Then sang this ’80s hit:

Every speech you make
Every pledge you break
Everything you do
Every interview
I’ll be watching you


Every tea you sip
COBRA sesh you skip
Every friend you snub
Every line you flub
I’ll be watching you


Oh can’t you see
The next PM is me
How my temples throb
I really want your job


Every law you break
All the piss you take
Every queue you jump
Every wife you dump
I’ll be watching you


The ’80s theme seemed to inspire
Old Michael Gove, for he
Then levelled up right to the mike
And belted out with glee:


Don’t you forget about me
I’ll be alone, scheming, you know it, baby
Tell me the troubles you got I will use them to further my plots
I lurk behind all of them
Thinking of all the times I shoulda been PM
Still I smile and behave
Screw it, I might just go to a rave


Don’t you, forget about me
Don’t, don’t, don’t, don’t
Don’t you, forget about me


I will stand above you
The people never really loved you
Your polls keep falling, polls keep falling
Down, down, down
Don’t just look right through me
Come on Peston, interview me
Polls keep falling, polls keep falling
Down, down, down, down


Then Cressida Dick got on the mike
And man, she stopped the show
With a heads-down 12-bar boogie
By good ol’ Status Quo.


Whatever you want
Whatever you say
No need to stop
I’ll keep the cops
Right out your way
Whatever you need
Whatever you lack
Just help yourself
The boys in blue
Have got your back
We won’t take you in
However bent your game
I don’t give a toss now that I’m a dame…

As the bongs approached, the man himself
Shambled up to pick a tune
Stood on a chair, messed up his hair
And he began to croon.

And now
My end’s not near
I couldn’t face

John Lewis curtains
My suit
Looks like I found
It in a bin
Outside of Burton’s

I’ve had
So many girls

My life is one
Long play-away day
And I got Away with it

The Boris J way

Regrets
They’re just for plebs
And not for chaps
Who went to Eton
I do

Just what I please I have my cake
After it’s eaten
No plans
No strategies
Just huff and bluff
In quite a fey way
Cos I
Know I’ll get by
The Boris J way


Yes, there are times
I’m sure you’ll find
I flat out lie
And no-one minds
Because that’s how
You pay the bills
When you have charm
But no real skills
I owe it all
To sheer brass balls
The Boris J way


For what is a man
What has he got?
If you mean cash
Then not a lot
Ditched every friend
Burned every bridge
If all else fails
Hide in the fridge
The record’s clear
I made it here
The Boris J way

At last, the bells of midnight tolled
The revellers all joined hands
And sang their joy at ruling o’er
This poor benighted land.

Election pledges all forgot
And never brought to mind
We’ll take our cut and trouser it
We’re all lying swine

We’re all lying swine, my dears
We’re all lying swine
We’ll take our cut and take some more
We’re all lying swine

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