Ever since this vestigial Conservative administration managed to cling onto its Uxbridge seat (rendered vacant by the cowardly flight from judgment of the debauched clown, serial incompetent and compulsive liar whom the party ACTUALLY MADE PRIME MINISTER OF THE WHOLE COUNTRY just over four years ago) by somehow managing to present its own policy of implementing strict vehicle emissions controls on London as being the fault of Labour mayor Sadiq Khan, the Tories have seized upon drivers as being the constituency that will rally to their revoltingly stained banner and save them at the next election.
Evidently, it’s been decided that the party needed another demographic to pander to, alongside that other lot. You know the ones, those guys who genuinely care about the small boats. Starts with an R and rhymes with “racists”.
Anyway, with this in mind, our next former prime minister Rishi Sunak decided to hammer the point home by means of another of his skin-crawlingly cringy and awkward Twitter photo opportunities (our collective skin having only just re-attached itself after last week’s Barbenheimer weirdness). And yes I said “Twitter”; bite me, Elon. Stop trying to make X happen. It’s not going to happen.
In Rishi’s new pic he depicts himself grinning at the wheel of a vintage motor with the caption: “Talking about freedom, sat in Margaret Thatcher’s old Rover”, thus injecting a bizarre note of ancestor worship into the now standard narrative. The tweet links to a Telegraph (inevitably) article headed “I am on the motorists’ side, says Sunak”.
Leaving aside the fact that Sunak can’t really be THAT pro-car or he might actually use them to travel in occasionally rather than go everywhere by helicopter like the down-to-earth regular guy he is, here are some more things the Tories could (and probably will) do to suck up to motorists…
CREATE “UHEZ” ZONES IN URBAN CENTRES
Since the London ULEZ is such a catastrophic failure (or at least it is now that there’s a chance of blaming someone else for it) it’s time to abandon the whole idea of clean air altogether. Henceforth the cities of Britain will be designated Ultra HIGH Emission Zones; only those vehicles which belch visible clouds of carcinogenic filth will be admitted. Only once the atmosphere in our urban centres is truly toxic will natural selection provide the only true long-term solution to this problem.
If idle pedestrians don’t have the initiative to evolve catalytic converters in their lungs, that’s their own lookout.
ISSUE PEDESTRIAN HUNTING PERMITS
Okay; have you seen Roger Corman’s 1970s cult classic Death Race 2000? It’s about a dystopian future (at the time) America in which contestants in a coast-to-coast road race rack up additional points by wiping out pedestrians on the way. It’s a hoot.
So, rather than gouge innocent drivers for a few pennies here and there for the right to drive in congestion zones, hit them up for some serious cash for the right to mow down anyone dawdling into the road with their heads in their phones (actually I think I might even be in favour of this one myself – M).
POINTS MAKE PRIZES!
Instead of the current, unnecessarily punitive system in which points on one’s licence can lead to increased insurance premiums or even a driving ban if enough are amassed, why not make them redeemable in exchange for gifts and discounts, like a supermarket loyalty card?
REDEFINE “SPEED AWARENESS”
Ever taken one of those speed awareness courses because you got pinched for going too fast? Wasn’t it the most tedious and patronising thing you’ve ever been subjected to??
Maybe we need a real speed awareness course. Why spend a day being lectured about boring trivialities like safety, responsibility, injury and death, when you could spend it wanging around a test track at 180mph in a Bugatti Veyron? Now that’s gonna make you aware of speed.
FOUR WHEELS GOOD, TWO WHEELS BAD
Contrary to rumour, the government is not planning on suspending work on building cycle lanes, nor will it remove any existing ones… Work will continue apace on installing designated cycle paths along all major thoroughfares because if they’re hemmed in by those flimsy little bollards, it’s that much easier to get the pious bloody hippies. One well-timed swipe of your passenger side door and you can take out three or four at once! Ha!
POEM OF THE WEEK
Last week the Mail on Sunday
Put out a detailed list
Of the Fifty Wokest People
Who currently exist.
Excitedly I read it
But imagine my despair
Upon seeing that my name was not
Shown anywhere in there.
Have I not wound them up enough?
Am I not so right-on
As to feature on their radar?
Where am I going wrong?
My life now has new purpose
Of this there is no doubt
Twelve months to crank my wokeness up
Till next year’s list comes out.