(Script adapted from the New International Version of the Bible; Luke 1 and 2 and the comments section of MailOnline)
Lights up; the choir sings O LITTLE TOWN OF BETHLEHEM
O little town of Bethlehem
Right in the old Red Wall
You voted to get Brexit done
And you got bugger all
Your MP is a lunatic
Who’s never off TV
Mouthing off and showing off
His vast stupidity
NARRATOR: A long time ago, a young woman named Mary lived in a marginal constituency called Nazareth. One day, an angel appeared to her.
(Lights come up on Mary and Gabriel who are standing STAGE RIGHT.)
GABRIEL: Mary, I bring Good News. Good Biblical News. GB News for short. You are blessed by God and will give birth to a son and you will name him Jesus.
MARY: I happily serve the Lord, and His will be – wait, what?
GABRIEL: You are now to be an unmarried mother, sponging off the state (he holds up a sign saying “BOO” to the audience)
(Gabriel exits STAGE RIGHT.)
NARRATOR: Mary went to tell the good news to her boyfriend, a man named Joseph who was a carpenter.
MARY: Joseph; although we have never done it with each other I am now with child. This is because an angel told me I am to give birth to the son of God and God only fancies virgins.
JOSEPH: Seems fair.
MARY: I knew I liked you for a reason.
NARRATOR: One day, a census was announced and Joseph had to travel home to the town of his birth, which was a Red Wall constituency called Bethlehem. Mary went with him although it was almost time for her to have her baby.
(Mary sits on the back of the Donkey, who is played by the poor kid nobody likes, and she and Joseph walk slowly STAGE RIGHT to STAGE LEFT as the angel choir sings LITTLE DONKEY)
Little donkey, little donkey
On the dusty track
With a lazy pregnant scrounger
Sitting on your back
She will raise her backstairs brat
On benefits and then
Probably have a dozen others
All with different men
(Mary and Joseph stop in front of the innkeeper, who is standing STAGE LEFT)
NARRATOR: When Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem they looked for a place to stay.
INNKEEPER: What do you want?
JOSEPH: Please help us. Mary is about to have a baby and we have nowhere to stay.
INNKEEPER: What’s that accent?
INNKEEPER: Are you from Nazareth?
JOSEPH: Well, yes, but there’s a…
INNKEEPER: I knew it! Bloody Nazarenes, coming here in droves on their small mammals!
MARY: Erm… Joseph…
INNKEEPER: SEND ’EM BACK! STOP THE CAMELS!
DONKEY: Fairly sure I’m a donkey actually
(The INNKEEPER’S WIFE enters STAGE LEFT)
INNKEEPER’S WIFE: What are you shouting about now, Nigeodemus?
INNKEEPER: ROBBED! I’ve been robbed! Thieving Nazarene bastards!
INNKEEPER’S WIFE: What?
INNKEEPER: My purse has been stolen! With forty shekels and my temple pass! Help!
JOSEPH; (pointing at the floor) Isn’t that it down there?
MARY: (holding her bump) Seriously…
INNKEEPER: Call the Romans!
JOSEPH (bending down to pick up the purse): Yes, look, here it is, with everything still in it. You must have –
INNKEEPER (Snatching the purse): Give it back, you footpad, you vagabond… Crime is out of control in Bethlehem! OUT OF CONTROL, I tell you!
INNKEEPER’S WIFE: Go indoors and have a lie down, Nigeodemus.
(The Innkeeper exits STAGE LEFT)
INNKEEPER’S WIFE: I’m sorry, he’s been reading the Daily Epistle again. You can have the stable, dears. (She exits STAGE LEFT)
MARY (staggering off STAGE LEFT) Oh thank God.
JOSEPH (following her and looking upwards) Yeah, thanks a LOT…
NARRATOR: Joseph led Mary to the stable where she…
MARY (offstage): HHHHNNNNNGGGGGHHHHH…..
NARRATOR: Joseph led Mary to the stable where…
MARY (offstage): AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH….
NARRATOR: … to the stable where she….
MARY (offstage): FFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU…
NARRATOR: …where she gave birth to a baby boy.
MARY (offstage): Jeeeeeeeeeesus…
JOSEPH (offstage): I thought we were calling him Ezekiel after your dad…
(Mary and Joseph enter STAGE LEFT. Mary is carrying a baby doll, wrapped in a towel. Mary kneels on one side of a manger which has mysteriously appeared centre stage and places the doll in it. Joseph stands on the other side. The choir sing AWAY IN A MANGER)
Away in a manger
Cos the hospital’s shut
They have all been closed down
Due to budgetary cuts
You’re lucky you wangled
This stable somehow
You could be giving birth
In a corridor now
NARRATOR: Nearby, there were shepherds in a field watching over their sheep. The angel of the Lord appeared to them and they were afraid.
(Lights rise on two shepherds as they enter and sit down STAGE RIGHT. GABRIEL approaches them from STAGE LEFT.)
GABRIEL: Do not be afraid. I bring you good news. A child is born today in Bethlehem – a Saviour who is Christ the…
SHEPHERD 1: Who’s that?
SHEPHERD 2: It’s a bloke in a dress!
SHEPHERD 1: Urgh! Pervert!
SHEPHERD 2: Weirdo!
GABRIEL: I’m not a bloke in a dress, I’m the – hang on, shouldn’t there be more of you?
SHEPHERD 1 (shrugs) Since Herod took Judea out of the Single Farmer’s Market you can’t get the staff. (He holds up his crook) Staff! Get it?
GABRIEL: Anyway, as I was saying, a child is born this day…
SHEPHERD 2: Nah, sling your hook, groomer.
SHEPHERD 1: Yeah, take your pronouns and your transubstantiation agenda somewhere else, you nightie-wearing freak.
(The choir begin to sing HARK THE HERALD ANGELS SING)
Hark the herald angels sing
Glory to the –
GABRIEL: Forget it!
(The choir stops)
NARRATOR: Soon, three wise men arrived in Bethlehem.
(Lights come up on the three wise men as they walk onstage from STAGE RIGHT.)
WISE MAN 1: Where is the child who is born to be King of the Jews?
WISE MAN 2: We have been following a star from the East.
WISE MAN 3: We come to give him gifts and worship him.
(Lights follow the three wise men as they walk to baby Jesus while the angel choir sings WE THREE KINGS)
We three kings come wandering along
Bearing gifts with price tags still on
Had them since autumn
Cos we bought them
Cheaper on Amazon
WISE MAN 1 (kneels and lays his gift on the ground): I bring the baby frankincense.
WISE MAN 2 (kneels and lays his gift on the ground): I bring the baby gold.
WISE MAN 3 (kneels and lays his gift on the ground): I bring the baby myrrh.
JOSEPH: Thank you.
MARY: So… no jokes in this bit, then?
WISE MAN 1: No point.
WISE MAN 2: We’ll never do it better than Life of Brian, so… (shrugs)
NARRATOR: The birth of Jesus brought hope to many people; He was the Son of God, sent to save all those who believe in him from their sins. He bought a message of love, peace, unity and forbearance, and in so doing inadvertently caused more hatred, war, division and intolerance than anyone else in history. But that’s showbiz, folks…
(The choir and the entire cast sing JOY TO THE WORLD)
Joy to the world, the Lord is come
And everything is cool
Let every heart prepare Him room
And worship via WhatsApp or Zoom
In every primary school
In every primary school
In every freezing church hall and primary school
Joy to the Earth, the Saviour comes
To bring the world to peace
So make up with your enemies
Well do your best oh go on please
For twenty four hours at least
For twenty four hours at least
For twenty four miserable hours at least
CURTAIN CALL – everyone take a bow then grit your teeth for the headmistress’s cringey patronising thank you speech.