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The Tories finally deliver on a promise – making Britain a hostile environment

In an attempt to deter migrants, the government’s mission is to turn the country into an unwelcoming, collapsing, dystopian hellscape. Oh, wait...

Image: The New European

A message to the Tories: I’ve got plenty of satirical material to work with without you actually turning into the Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. You’re already providing me with a more than adequate supply of clownish incompetence and shady practices without resorting to full-on cartoon villainy.

Yes, I’m looking at you Robert Jenrick, the immigration minister who ordered that murals depicting cartoon characters on the inner walls of a reception centre for unaccompanied child immigrants be painted over, for fear that the centre might otherwise be “too welcoming”.

So, as Jenrick takes the concept of the “hostile environment” both entirely literally and, indeed, to its logical conclusion, here are…


1) Now they’ve painted over the smiling, reassuring faces of Mickey Mouse and Tom and Jerry on those reception centre walls, rather than leave them blank, let’s paint some PROPERLY scary things on them. Decaying zombies, axe-wielding masked killers, Suella Braverman trying to smile, that sort of thing.

Yeah, scared NOW, aren’t you, you little unaccompanied interlopers… That’ll teach you to be dragged from your home in the middle of the night and plonked alone into a freezing dinghy with no agency of your own or real idea of what’s going on, won’t it? Yeah, cry some more, nobody’s listening.

2) Carve the White Cliffs of Dover into an enormous extended middle finger pointed out to sea.

3) Rather than cramming asylum applicants into hostels and B&Bs, just confine them to a struggling Wetherspoon’s where they’re forced to eat soggy microwave bangers and mash and watch GB News for 24 hours a day. A lot cheaper than that Rwanda nonsense and much, MUCH nastier.

4) Rather than all that tedious processing of immigration applications or asylum claims (too much hard work!) or sticking with the Australian-style points system (BOR-ing) let’s instead look into our own illustrious history and reinstate ORDEAL BY COMBAT.

It shouldn’t take long to build the Foreignerdome on some bit of neglected brownfield somewhere in one of our major cities, fill it with chainsaws and sledgehammers, and then roll up folks! A few dozen immigrants enter, one immigrant (eventually) leaves! The bloodied victor could be awarded temporary leave to remain (or just sent home again with a small plastic trophy) and it’ll even be self-funding once Sky Sports sets up the pay-per-view deal.

5) Float mines into the channel. Okay, so we’re gonna lose a few ferries and fishing boats but every patriotic Brit will agree that this is a Small Price To Pay to solve the problem of the (horrors) small boats.

Because it’s all very well you blobby wokeflakes boring on about “Oh boo hoo, my mortgage rate quadrupled and I’m going to lose my house after 20 years of never missing a payment, and I’ve been waiting four years for a hospital appointment and my kids’ school’s roof just blew off”, but look! Look, over there! It’s TWELVE ALBANIANS IN A LEAKY BOAT, and they’re headed this way!! For God’s sake man, GET SOME PERSPECTIVE!

6) This is the stuff of apocalyptic fantasy, but something the administration COULD do as a last resort would be to completely screw Britain up on purpose.

If they were to, say, deliberately tank the economy to the extent that we have both rocketing interest rates AND out-of-control inflation (something previously thought mathematically impossible), cripple the nation’s infrastructure and public services so badly that when you break your hip falling over an uneven paving stone you’ll die of your injuries before the ambulance arrives, if we can contrive to have simultaneous crashing wages and relentlessly soaring living costs so that even those in “good” jobs can’t afford a roof over their heads; if we can allow the justice system to decay until even barristers and High Court judges are on strike and there’s no one left in the police force but sex offenders…

If we can achieve all this then we will succeed in turning Britain into the sort of collapsing dystopian hellscape which nobody in their right mind would ever WANT to immigrate to. Oh, wait..!


So someone help me out here
I’m in a muddle, please
Someone help me sort out
Which Conservatives are these?
The nation had one Tory party
(One more than it needs)
But now it seems like new ones
Are popping up like weeds.
Are these the New Conservatives?
How am I meant to know?
Weren’t they National Conservatives
Just a month ago?
We all called them the “Nat Cs”
Which made a lot of sense
But that isn’t why they changed it
That’s pure coincidence.
So who’s their leader this week?
Lee Anderthal or Miriam Cates?
Do they have a manifesto?
Or just a list of hates?
And where’s the Boris Fanboy Squad?
What’s their name and story?
Are they “Conservative Patriots”?
Or the People’s Front of Tory?
I guess it shows initiative
That the Tory factions choose
To splinter and recriminate
Before they even lose.

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