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The Tories rave on in Madchester but no-one is listening

Plan your time at the Conservative Party conference with this handy guide...

Image: The New European

As I write, the Conservative Party conference in Manchester (hoo boy, somebody’s getting fired for THAT booking) is just getting underway. And I have managed to secure a copy of the top-secret agenda…

Plan your conference (and pre-select your post-schism faction) with this handy guide!

11am, Manchester Central Library
LGBTQ+ Networking and Self-Loathing Brunch. Topics under discussion include “How to look yourself in the face each morning” “Pulling up the drawbridge – a beginner’s guide” and “Social progress was all well and good while it was making my life better but then it just got weird”.

12 noon, Manchester Central Convention Complex (MCCC)
Conservative Environment hosts: Wind and Solar: Can we get rich off this nonsense and if not what’s the bloody point?

1pm, Midland Hotel
The Northern Health Alliance hosts: The Future Of The NHS (Remember to bring your cheque books!)

2pm, Phone box on the corner of Mosley Street and Booth Street
Scottish and Unionist Conservative fringe meeting.

4pm, Midland Hotel Bar & Lounge
Young Conservatives host: The “I Say, Let’s Get A Look At This Year’s Fillies” reception for conference first-timers. Includes braying lessons and “kicking the homeless” workshop.

Dress code – men: ill-fitting heavy cloth pinstripes and weirdly ironed-looking hair, women: (if any turn up) like something out of Downton Abbey.

5pm, MCCC
Michael Gove in conversation
Topics include “What’s he plotting now?” “I wouldn’t turn your back on him in the lift” and “See if he knows someone who can score us a couple of grammes”.

8am, Walk Of Shame.

1pm, Midland Hotel
Transport For The North hosts: Transform The North (cancelled).

2pm, Friends’ Meeting House
The Bruges Group hosts: Can The Tories Win? And How Do We Stitch It Up When We Don’t?

3pm, Thatcher Theatre
The Women’s Budget Group hosts: How Women Will Shape The Next Election (answer: by voting Labour).

4pm, MCCC Cobden 1
Commission On Young Lives & Conservative PCCs hosts: Reducing crime and reoffending; policing & community relationships (Sponsored by Glock, Sarkar Tactical Body Armour and IAG Water Cannons).

5pm, MCCC Cobden 2
Independent Schools Council hosts:
How can independent and state schools work together to improve outcomes for all? (Regrettably, no representatives of state schools can afford the time off to attend. Or the bus fare).

Walk Of Humiliation (I can’t believe you did it AGAIN).

8.30am, 1 First Street
Conservative Christian Fellowship hosts: Prayer Breakfast – How should we respond to hunger in the UK? (Includes full hot buffet and photo op).

1pm, Midland Hotel Stanley Suite
Centre For Shutting The Stable Door After The Horse Has Bolted hosts: UK security co-operation with Europe.

3.30pm, Midland Hotel Lancaster Suite
British Future, Black Equity Organisation and CARFE hosts: What do Conservatives need to do to appeal to the changing face of Britain? (NB the answer is NOT “change it back again”*)
*Not while anyone’s listening, anyway.

4pm, MCCC Youth Zone
Education Policy Institute & Speakers for Schools hosts: Embedding work experience in the curriculum, a driver for skills and growth (Sponsored by the Global Sweatshop Alliance and the International Federation of Chimney Sweeps).

5pm, MCCC Thinktent
Institute for Economic Affairs hosts: Can you believe anyone is still listening to us? No, us neither. Anyway here’s why you should abolish all tax forever and give all your money to hedge fund billionaires, because I dunno, you just totally should because it’ll be brilliant.

8am, Crawl Of Abject Despair (Get help. Seriously).

10.30am, Midland Hotel Fairclough Suite
Policy Connect and the Social Care Institute for Excellence hosts: Social care, technology and independent living: Putting People in Control of Their Lives (By removing even the pretence of a social safety net. You’re on your own, suckers).

12 noon, MCCC Main Hall
Address by the next former prime minister of the UK, RISHI SUNAK (NB: Remember to bring footstool OR lower lectern). Rumoured speech topics: Cars Are Brilliant And Everyone Who Doesn’t Totally Love Cars Is Probably Like I Don’t Know Gay Or Something; Why Labour Would Drive The Economy Even Further Into The Ground Than We Have, Even If That Is On The Face Of It Mathematically Impossible; or Screw The Lot Of You I’m Off To California To Writhe Naked On Vast Piles Of Cash Until Further Notice

1pm, Basement Bar, Wetherspoons Waterhouse
Lord Cruddas hosts:
Inaugural meeting of THE SONS OF BORIS (Formerly Conservative Democratic Organisation). Includes swearing of blood oath and livestock sacrifice (wear waterproofs and bring plasters). The Glorious Once And Future Leader sends his apologies as he is unable to attend but will send a video message if he remembers/can be arsed (which he won’t/isn’t).

Alas for GB News
Their presenters’ toxic views
Have landed them in something of a crisis

Because they’d hired a bunch of goons
And frothing right wing loons
And largely left them to their own devices

Then scrawny Laurence Fox
Got right out of his box
Went Full Incel while Wootton smirked, and so

Even their current employers
Were feeling less than joyous
And ’twas decreed the pair of them must go

What next for poor old Loz?
He’s a bit adrift because
He’s unemployable, although just maybe

He could find a new career
Although doing what’s unclear
Since he even failed at being a Nepo Baby

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