These are the resolutions Sunak and Co should make for 2023

Jeepers, would you look at that? We made it to the end of 2022.

It’s easy to forget now, that there were moments during this year when making it to New Year’s Eve was by no means a given; when Vlad the Invader began his “special operation” in Ukraine it did seem, for a while, that this was the long-dreaded catalyst that would drag the nations of the world into conflict and nuclear conflagration.

But then it turned out the Russians had forgotten to check their tyre pressure or pack any sandwiches or clean underwear and suddenly things started to feel a bit less Armageddony.

And so here we are, at the end of another in a seemingly endless parade of relentlessly grim years… every time we think the raging binfire of our times can burn no brighter, the fates chuck in another can of hubristic lighter fluid to prove us wrong.

So party hard this New Year’s Eve, because you’ve earned it, damn it. Don’t let the party poopers, those who would urge temperance and caution rather than a Bacchanalian purge – the Hogmanaysayers*, if you will – bring you down.

*(Had a cup of tea and a biscuit after I wrote that one)

Thereafter, it will be time to look forward to 2023… will you be so bold as to make any New Year’s resolutions? Will any of our leaders?

Here are some suggestions for them if they do:

RISHI SUNAK

Our new emergency 24-hour call-out prime minister is settling into Number 10 quite nicely (and if he weren’t, he has lots of other houses to choose from). Nonetheless, he still has some work to do to establish a real rapport with the public; moments like the whole “borrowing a poor person’s car for a petrol station photo op and then not knowing how to use a debit card” incident and “do you work in business, homeless man?” haven’t helped.

So this year our dashing young PM could resolve to put some real effort into finding out how the other 99.9999% live. Get the bus some time, go to a Maccy Ds, or maybe even get his wife’s family to pay some tax or divest from Russia (nah, one thing at a time; let’s drop him in a Nando’s and see if he can figure it out).

JEREMY HUNT

Having found himself dragged back to the front benches by a floundering prime minister who hurriedly installed him in Number 11 and then imploded, effectively putting him in charge of the country, it’s perhaps not surprising that Jeremy Hunt’s face has, these last few months, been locked in the kind of smirk that makes Priti Patel look wracked with self-doubt by comparison. It also makes it WAY too obvious that he’s waiting for Rishi to screw up so he can slide one door down.

So Mr Hunt’s resolution should really be to LOSE THE RESTING PLOT FACE.

SUELLA BRAVERMAN

Having made her mark in 2022 by delivering what one imagines will be the LESS fondly remembered of the two great “I have a dream” political speeches, Ms Braverman COULD resolve to stop trying to out-racist the racists (because whatever she does, the racists will never love her because they’re, well, racist) but will probably instead go with “Stop saying the quiet part out loud”.

DOMINIC RAAB

Mired as he currently is in bullying allegations, the justice secretary, lord chancellor and deputy PM (which, while we’re here, is a LOT of cabinet jobs for one guy; anyone would think the Conservative Party were running out of halfway capable candidates) really SHOULD resolve to find ways to reduce tension in the workplace but he’ll probably go with “get more pictures taken holding a phone and making a serious face so I really look like I know what I’m doing”.

JAMES CLEVERLY

The foreign secretary’s resolution for 2023 will be the same one he makes every year: to continue in his one-man quest to defeat the curse of nominative determinism.

STEVE BARCLAY

Steve will resolve to lose weight, eat super healthy, get regular exercise and just do absolutely everything possible to avoid getting ill and finding himself on his own, helpless, weakened, and surrounded by nurses…

GRANT SHAPPS

Mr Shapps will resolve to quit drinking; Michael Green will celebrate this good news by going on a three-day bender.

POEM OF THE WEEK

The year is turning over

There’s nothing left to do

We made it to the end, old friends

Of 2022.

We should strike ourselves a medal

A reward for getting through

The strife and wars and strikes and more

Of 2022.

The months are flashing by me