Greetings, fellow extremists and fugitives from justice! Now, you may be thinking, “Extremist? Fugitive? Not me!” But read on…
When not focusing on the idea that the homeless are having it too easy and it’s time to take their tents away, our entirely rational home secretary has announced a crackdown on “extremism”. And to clear up all doubt, she has (re)defined “extremism” to mean “the promotion or advancement of any ideology which aims to overturn or undermine the UK’s system of parliamentary democracy, its institutions and values”.
Leaving aside the fact that 2019’s illegal prorogation of parliament, the vote-suppressing voter ID laws and the rampant corruption during the pandemic mean that if the LETTER of this legislation were ever to come into full force, the first thing the government will have to do is arrest itself, this wording is at once gloriously vague and undisguisedly sinister. If holding views that might “undermine” the state is now to be a crime, and if “state” and “government” are more or less interchangeable concepts then it may be about to become an offence to oppose the administration on any level.
Cruella Braverman’s last batch of anti-protest laws already made it illegal to SAY you don’t like the government (in any numbers or any volume, at least); these proposed new laws will make it illegal to even think mean thoughts about them.
And I’m afraid that you yourself are not merely openly reading that disloyal rag the New European, but you’ve turned straight to the snarky piss-taking page, you seditionist! Stay in your home and the Special Branch will be along shortly. Here are some other things that will be illegal under the new anti-extremism laws:
THE NEW MARKS AND SPENCER CHRISTMAS AD
The not in the least publicity-addicted Katharine Birbalsingh, self-proclaimed “strictest headmistress in the country” and self-appointed moral arbiter of the nation, has shown the way forward with an open letter lambasting M&S’s Christmas campaign, which exhorts people to reject the Yuletide traditions they find irksome and do Crimbo their own way. This, Ms B insists, is tantamount to what she calls “our national department store” (?) “putting two fingers up” at traditional values, before going on to establish her bona fides as an authority on all things festive by misspelling “Ebenezer”.
Interestingly, her chosen spelling was originated by The Shamen on their 1992 paean to the joys of ecstasy, Ebeneezer Goode, hinting at an altogether more colourful past for Ms B than we’d previously suspected.
MAKING FUN OF TORY MPs
This may actually already be illegal; our defamation laws are the modern iteration of the medieval statute Scandalum Magnatum (literally “scandalising the mighty”), so technically, poking fun at your social betters has always been a crime, just not one that tends to be prosecuted very often. It shouldn’t be too hard to get it fully reinstated, then – boom! Giggling at Rishi Sunak’s half-mast trousers? You’re nicked!
NOT LAUGHING AT CONSERVATIVE COMEDIANS’ JOKE
As we’ve established, they’ve only got the one joke between them (“So I can identify as a lamppost then can I? Yeah? Yeah?”) and even those of us who don’t watch GammonBall News have heard it a few dozen times now, but it is the SOLE OFFICIAL APPROVED BRITISH JOKE, and failing to hoot at it in a hyena-like fashion means that you are a communist.
Which reminds me:
NOT WATCHING GB NEWS
Come on! Show some loyalty to our new national broadcaster! Remember, by tuning in, you can personally increase their audience share by 0.5%!
VOTING FOR ANYONE OTHER THAN THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY
This is what it’s all building up to, isn’t it? There’s an election coming within the next 14 months, the Tories have been flatlining in the polls, with Labour’s lead standing at around 20%, the full-throated support of most of the media isn’t helping, everything they do makes things worse and they’re so utterly bereft of ideas their idea of a policy platform is to produce a list of unpopular and entirely imaginary things and then say they’re NOT going to do any of it (remember the seven deadly bins?).
So if they can’t win the next election, they’re going to have to find some way of cancelling it beforehand or annulling it retroactively. And if you think they’d never dare, that’s exactly what liberal America was saying about Trump three years ago. Don’t say it couldn’t happen here.
Yeah, not very funny this last bit is it? More gags next week, promise.
POEM OF THE WEEK
When Elon met with Rishi
It was kind of awks, because
No one was really sure
If Elon knew who Rishi was
But the meeting went quite smoothly
Between the two young kings
As they jokingly competed
Over who’d screwed up more things
Who could fail to marvel
At the PM and tech whiz?
One was born with riches
The other married his
Yes, they’re both the very model
Of the self-made man, for sure
If you’re not the son of a billionaire
Then be his son-in-law