THE HATE BOAT
Opening titles: the cast members each give us a turn-and-smile (or as close as they can get to smiling) introductory shot:
as Your Captain
as Your First Mate
as Your Ship’s Doctor
as Your Bartender
Guest stars, in alphabetical order
A BUNCH OF BEWILDERED ALBANIANS
as “the Residents”
(to be sung by Roger Daltrey or Morrissey, whoever is hardest up. Don’t know the tune? Look it up on YouTube)
Disgusting and old
Now get on board
Do as you’re told
It’s all that we’ve got
While our land is left to rot
The Hate Boat!
We’re gonna cram it with refugees
The Hate Boat!
So all the racists and fools are pleased
Set a course for the harbour
It’s just going to sit out there
Should win us some votes
Now we stuff immigrants
In a dungeon that floats
Welcome aboard, it’s haa-aaa-aaate!
Captain BRAVERMAN and First Mate JENRICK stand on the jetty at Portland, gazing with pride at the vast hulk of the BIBBY STOCKHOLM, soon to receive its first residents. Workers bustle to and fro making final adjustments.
JENRICK (Pointing angrily at a worker)
You there! Stop smiling! Any minute now this vessel will be boarded by scrounging lowlifes and we cannot have ANYTHING that looks welcoming! No smiling, no whistling, no chit chat! Nothing but sullen glowers and steely stares from now on!
Even for the children?
JENRICK (His eyes narrowing)
ESPECIALLY for the children…
A fleet of minibuses pulls up on the shore; slowly, parties of bewildered-looking foreigners are herded from the buses and up the gangplank into the barge. Braverman watches rapturously.
So, this is it. Soon, the inmates will be safely in their cells and then our glorious vessel will set sail…
Remember the messaging…
Oh yes! Soon, the RESIDENTS will be safely in their CABINS and then our glorious vessel will set sail…
JENRICK (Beaming with pride)
… for RWANDA!
Captain, we’ve been over this MANY times. This ship is NOT going to Rwanda, for several reasons. First, because the idea is just to stuff it with refugees and then leave it floating in Portland Harbour as a permanent, miserable, overcrowded warning to those who dare to enter our country. The second reason is that this overgrown container crate is just about staying afloat as it is and would be hard pushed to make it to Swanage, never mind Africa. And the THIRD reason – and this may be the clincher, Captain – is that YOU CAN’T SAIL TO RWANDA. Rwanda is landlocked. It has no coastline or harbours.
His mobile phone rings. Swearing inaudibly, he retrieves it from his pocket and answers it.
Yes, what is it? What? Seriously? Oh, for f… Well yes, get them out of there!
He hangs up
Bad news, Captain. The barge is contaminated with legionella bacteria. It’s a plague ship. We have to get the prisoners – RESIDENTS – off the boat and get a clean-up squad in there immediately.
Is it, though?
Is it what?
Is it really bad news…?
(Taking a step back in horror)
Captain, this is too much. I took this job because I needed to put my unbridled sadism to good use, but you’ve gone too far. I resign my commission!
You can be replaced, you know!
JENRICK (Striding away)
Good luck finding anyone brutish, nasty and stupid enough to go along with this!
A chauffeur-driven ministerial Jaguar pulls up and LEE ANDERSON gets out wearing an expensive suit.
Ay’up. Sorry I’m late, I were just interviewing Jacob Rees-Mogg ont’ telly about how Labour have lost touch wit’ working class.
Bar Steward Anderson! I may have a promotion in mind for you!
Bloody hell, another one?
END OF PART ONE (AND BRITAIN’S CREDIBILITY)