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Brexit IS working – just ask Boris Johnson!

Don’t believe the hype or indeed the evidence. Leaving the EU has accomplished exactly what it set out to do... keeping the Tories in power

Photo montage: The New European

BREXIT IS WORKING! And anyone who tells you otherwise is an ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE!!!

No really! I know this isn’t what you expected to read in this, the house journal of bed-wetting treasonous Remoanerism, but it’s the truth. Brexit isn’t just working, it had in fact ALREADY worked before the UK even finalised its exit from the EU. It’s a done deal! The genuine article! Brexit is a success!

I sense that many of you remain (see what I did there?) unconvinced. How can Brexit be working, you bleat, when the economy is death-spiralling, the cost of living is surging upwards at a rate that can only be described as self-parodic and our once proud nation is now not so much a laughing stock as a byword for self-immolating hubris?

Well, given that we were assured before the 2016 referendum that Brexit would bring a freer, more prosperous and happier Britain, let us, on this sixth anniversary of that fateful day, look at the facts as we reveal the… REASONS WHY BREXIT IS A ROARING SUCCESS:

FREEDOM!!!

At long last, the British people are FREE!

Free to live, toil and expire in THIS country, damn it, without the unnecessary and frankly distasteful distraction of the constant temptation to go and live in 27 OTHER countries.

Free to return to the loving hearth of the vestigial Welfare State, having been forced to sell their retirement villas on the Costa Del Bingo having belatedly realised that when you’re living in someone else’s country, “foreigner” means you!

Free to stand in a British airport passport queue for hours on end, even if you’ve only been on a day trip to Brussels, so that you can TRULY appreciate the feeling of coming back to dear old Blighty!

PROSPERITY!!!

At last, released from the stifling shackles (yes it’s a mixed metaphor but screw it, I’m on a roll) of overbearing EU regulation, our industries can pursue wealth creation with naked, untempered, verging on psychotic levels of avarice!

Only HERE, in the land of free enterprise, can energy companies whack up their prices by 40% while raking in record profits! Only here will our pensioners proudly freeze in the name of capitalism!

Only here can beaming politicians pose for photo calls in front of a poorly stocked food bank without it ever occurring to them that maybe this is an unspeakably crass thing to do!

And think how much happier we’ll all be once that promised extra £350m a week starts being poured into our beleaguered health service!

It’s coming! Soon! Really! Any day now! Just wait for a little bit longer and see! Honest!

Speaking of which:

HAPPINESS!!!

Such has been the wave of irrepressible joy that has swept over our green and pleasant land since we shrugged off the cruel yoke of EU oppression, that celebrations have been spontaneously erupting ever since!

Why, in just one London street, over one hundred parties were held (and indeed reported) while lockdown rules were supposedly in place! And yes, okay, maybe these shindigs weren’t all strictly within the LETTER of the law, but you just can’t contain that sort of glee, that sort of elation, that sort of sheer blithe smug entitlement forever, however hard you try (or don’t)!

Okay, I get the feeling you’re not buying this…

We were indeed promised a freer, richer and happier land, and for the vast majority of us that’s taking a while to materialise. However, what you have to bear in mind is that those were only the publicly stated objectives of Brexit.

But that’s not what Brexit was supposed to achieve at all. The real point of Brexit was something else entirely, and that something has already happened…

THE CONSERVATIVES ARE IN POWER AND BORIS JOHNSON IS PM

Because THIS, after all, is what Brexit is about. This is ALL Brexit has ever been about.

We can all argue until we’re red, white and blue in the face about the specific claims made on Brexit’s behalf by its proponents both before and after the referendum, or the varying degrees to which those claims have proven to be false… the fact remains that the ONLY real objective Brexit ever had was to shore up the short-term electoral prospects of the Conservative Party in general and of Boris Johnson in particular. And with Boris still ( just about) presiding over a massive Commons majority, there can be no denying it: Brexit has worked exactly as intended.

Oh sure, we’re now drowning under a mudslide of unforeseen ramifications, and our economy and society will take generations to recover (assuming they ever do), but NONE OF THAT MATTERS. Brexit has achieved its purpose. It has worked.

It’s worth bearing in mind that until 2014, opinion polls showed that Britain’s future in the EU was NOT a vexed question for anyone outside of the, shall we say, xenosceptical hard-right rump. Unfortunately, that’s quite an important rump as rumps go, given that it’s that rump which wins elections for the Conservative Party.

So when, that year, the two Tory MPs Mark Reckless and Douglas Carswell defected to Ukip (in order to maintain favour with their OWN ethnically sensitive rumps), a collective brick was passed at CCHQ.

Because here’s the thing: Tory voters had a long tradition of peeling off to support hard-right fringe parties at minor or local elections, be it the BNP, NF or whichever bunch of delightful young men were around at the time. BUT they could always be depended upon to return to the Tory fold for the GENERAL election because at the end of the day, that’s what “Conservative” means.

However… in 2015 there was a real fear that Ukip could chip away at the less-than-keen-on-foreigners vote and thus let Chaos With Ed Miliband squeak in. So rather than let that happen, David Cameron, tactical genius that he was, decided to sideline Ukip by stealing their sole policy platform: an in/out referendum on EU membership. Hurrah, Ukip is neutralised, the Conservative victory is assured, job done, relax. And indeed the Tories DID win the 2015 election, so Brexit had ALREADY achieved its primary objective a good YEAR before the vote itself ever happened.

While I can’t claim to know this for certain, I’m willing to bet major organs that THAT was literally as far ahead as Cameron thought. Actually holding the referendum, campaigning for the Remain side (which of course would place him in the philosophically interesting position of leading the charge AGAINST a thing he himself had invoked), let alone what the HELL happens to the country if the Leave side wins … None of that seemed to have occurred to him.


Because, if it all went to crap (as it did) he could just resign and then stroll off humming happily to himself (which he LITERALLY BLOODY DID the day after the vote).

Meanwhile, Boris Johnson, another old Etonian for whom “consequences” are things that happen to other people, spent many evenings agonising over which side to endorse, and then finally decided to announce that he was in FAVOUR of being the next leader of the Conservative Party and future Prime Minister.

Now, this objective took a bit longer to achieve; the plan (again, can’t prove this but again, major organs) had been to lead a valiant LOSING campaign for Leave, thus becoming the hero of the economically anxious (I’m running out of euphemisms for racist, Mr Editor) element of the Tory base, in order to be perfectly placed to assume the leadership when Cameron stood down – as he had pledged to do – before the next scheduled election in 2020 (God this feels like I’m talking about another universe). As it was, we had the bizarre interlude of Theresa May’s tenure to sit through first, but by the end of 2019 Boris was in No 10 with a commanding majority, and the partying could begin in earnest.

So don’t let ANYONE tell you that Brexit has failed, or is failing. Yes, it’s failing in terms of all its STATED objectives – we’re less happy, less prosperous and FAR less free than we were six years ago, but in terms of its ACTUAL objective – bailing out the Tories and crowning Boris – it’s worked like a charm

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