EPITHET OF THE WEEK
With British taxpayers now facing the highest tax burden since the 1950s, former Conservative cabinet minister David Davis said last week that he feared the Conservative party would become known as “the party of high taxes”.
Given that, in the space of the last 12 months, the Conservative Party has turned out to be: the party of dirty Russian money; the party of £840-a-roll gold wallpaper; the party of buying millions of quid’s worth of useless PPE from your mates; the party of writing off £39bn worth of Covid fraud while sanctioning people who show up five minutes late to a benefits assessment; the party of pretending Covid’s all over while a million new cases a week are recorded; the party of no more masks and £50 for a PCR test; the party of regarding food banks primarily as a background for photo ops; the party of peering in bewilderment at a debit card while your missus shovels in the roubles; the party of telling Ukrainian refugees to sod off back where they came from even if their country is not there any more; and of course, the party of drinking a suitcase full of wine and playing Twister till dawn while the plebs watch their grandmas die over Zoom…
… perhaps what Mr Davies meant to say was that he HOPED the Conservative Party would now be known as the party of high taxes.
UPSTANDING CITIZEN OF THE WEEK
In a belated and possibly doomed attempt to establish that they do, after all, have something that passes for “standards”, the Conservative Party has suspended MP David Warburton for a variety of infractions, including failing to declare a £100,000 loan from a Russian businessman, at least three allegations of unwelcome sexual advances towards women, and misuse of drugs.
This last accusation was lent a degree of credibility by the appearance of a photograph of Mr Warburton, apparently posing proudly beside four fat lines of cocaine that he or someone had recently chopped out on top of an upturned roasting tin in what looks like a suburban living room.
While I’m sure Mr Warburton will now face the wrath of both his local constituency party and his immediate family, the people he should really be looking out for are the Colombian cartels, since he’s just made their product look less rock n’ roll than Jaffa Cakes.
PUZZLE OF THE WEEK
Investigators looking into the failed January 6 insurrection in Washington DC last year are trying to piece together what happened during the seven hours 37 minutes gap in former president Trump’s phone records for that day. Was the Great Orange One using a gangster-style “burner” phone, to coordinate events?
While Trump himself denies this, it does seem extremely likely, given that the only other explanation is that Donald Trump once managed to shut up for seven and a half hours.
APPOINTMENT OF THE WEEK
Having failed to elevate the swiveleyed Paul Dacre to the post of head of Ofcom (and having to settle instead for the scourge of middle-aged Doctor Who fans everywhere, Lord Michael Grade) the government has at least succeeded in installing legendarily hard-headed business mogul Sir Ian Cheshire as chairman of the now-to-be-privatised Channel 4.
Nadine Dorries, the secretary for Digital, Culture, Media, Sport and Thinking That The Prime Minister Is Just Totally Dreamy, has been accused of cronyism over the appointment, but nonetheless, Sir Ian is now in.
As such we can look forward to a new slate of Channel 4 shows including Relocation Relocation Relocation (Of All My Assets To The Caymans), Friday Night Dinner (Is Cold Because It Costs £30 To Switch The Oven On), First Dates (For A Doctor’s Appointment in 2024) and Countdown (To The Inevitable Collapse Of Society As We Know It).
OBVIOUS JOKE OF THE WEEK
After the bizarre Oscar night altercation in which he slapped the comedian Chris Rock for cracking a joke about his wife Jada’s alopecia, Will Smith has issued a full and frank apology, resigned from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences, and gone to live with his auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
POEM OF THE WEEK
All over the country
All around the place
Election flyers feature
The PM’s smiling face
It’s not very surprising
Until you see it’s true
Tory leaflets don’t have Boris on
The opposition’s do.
Talk about a turn around
It’s only three years since
He was the Tories’ very own
Now his picture has been banished
From their pamphlets’ every page
While the Lib Dems and the Labour
Have him firmly centre stage.
What happened to his winning touch
Of just three years ago?
What is it that he might have done
To mar his image so?
What sin or misdemeanour
Drove his numbers down so quick?
Well there’s a dozen things to choose from
No really, take your pick.