It has come to my somewhat exasperated attention that I appear to be the only journalist, pundit, political commentator or any variation thereupon who has NOT thus far been bought off by the Kremlin and signed up as a willing mouthpiece for Russian disinformation.
Guys, I’ve got to say, this hurts.
I mean come on, this is a national newspaper I’m writing for here! I have nearly 80,000 Twitter followers and several dozen YouTube subscribers! I’m what the kids here in the West call an influencer! In fact, by weight, I’m four or five influencers! I’m just the kind of guy you need on your team!
So what about it, Comrades? (Do they still call each other that? Probably not, but hey…) Think about it… much like those ethical and intellectual vacuums over at KGB News, I have no moral standards whatsoever to uphold, but UNLIKE GB News I actually have an audience! Make with the roubles, I’m raring to go with whatever bug-eyed falsehoods you’ve got prepped and ready.
What’ll it be this week? Erm… OK, try this: the invasion of Ukraine is already over and a massive success, except it isn’t really happening and if it is, then it’s all France’s fault. SEE, I CAN DO THIS. I’m a natural.
Guys…?
OK, something more general perhaps.
Just a second while I fetch my Big Book Of Batshit Right Wing Conspiracy Theorist Talking Points. Ah, here’s a good one…
CRITICAL RACE THEORY GIVES YOU CANCER.
Yeah, I can bang out 800 words on that, no problem. It’s obvious, isn’t it? The connections are there for all to see. Nobody really knows what causes cancer, we just know that it’s a Terrible Thing.
Similarly, nobody actually knows what “critical race theory” actually is, or even if it exists outside of the fevered imagination of Tucker Carlson, but we all know that it too is a TERRIBLE THING. So if we allow THE WOKE (boo) to go peddling the idea that white people have NOT in fact floated through history on a fluffy cloud of unimpeachable moral rectitude, you are contributing to the spread of TERRIBLE THINGS, so don’t come crying to us when your parts drop off.
Hey, this is easy. I’ve been in the wrong job all these years.
Oh yeah, “The Woke”! Got to get them in somewhere. OK, how about…
THE WOKE AGENDA IS CAUSING GLOBAL WARMING.
It is of course a GAY LIBERAL MYTH that global temperatures are rising, but IF they are (Oh man, this is so much fun, see how the actual facts don’t matter in the slightest?) then this is patently a result of all the HOT AIR being spouted by the WOKE in their ceaseless quest to destroy the lives of ordinary, decent, hardworking, family-oriented, patriotic, fair-minded people (that’s a bit long-winded; oh well, if I bust my word limit I can just say “white”).
Here’s another one:
TRANS PEOPLE; WHERE WILL IT ALL END, EH?
I mean what if I identify as a dog? Eh? Am I a dog? Look out, I’m a dog now! Woof woof! I can wee in the park and poo on the pavement! Don’t you oppress me and tell me I can’t, pick up my poo or you’re a fascist! Yeah?
How about a chair? Can I identify as a chair? Look at me, I’m a chair now. But don’t you dare try to sit on me, because I identify as a DISABLED chair! I’m a BLACK, DISABLED, LESBIAN CHAIR.
Oh, hang on, my manager just emailed to say I’m being sued for plagiarism by literally every right wing columnist, radio host and comedian in the country.
Ah, this one ought to be good…
BREXIT HAS DONE WONDERFUL THINGS
Actually, all joking aside, Brexit has done ONE wonderful thing recently. Specifically, the rapid and overwhelmingly generous response by the EU to the ongoing Ukrainian refugee crisis has almost certainly been much more rapid and generous than it would have been if the UK had still been a member state; huffing, grumping and vetoing emergency measures for fear of offending that intractably xenophobic rump of the electorate who are, after all, the only voters in Britain whose opinion actually counts.
One more for luck…
NIGEL FARAGE IS THE GREATEST POLITICAL THINKER OF OUR AGE
Because he’s… Well, he… Or at least, he… Nah, I got nothing.
POEM OF THE WEEK
We stand in solidarity
That’s what we always say
We stand in solidarity
When matters go astray
We stand in solidarity
That’s what we proudly yelp
We stand in solidarity
So we don’t have to help.
We stand in solidarity
It’s so easily said
Much easier than going
And contributing instead
We’ll sign books of condolences
Wave a flag and say
We stand in solidarity
You happy? Go away.
