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Tories flip their wigs as the fools’ golden ratio returns

Comedian MITCH BENN sums up another sane week in British politics, from Michael Fabricant to Nadine Dorries' silence.

Conservative MP Michael Fabricant for Lichfield speaks remotely from his consituency during Prime Minister's Questions in the House of Commons. Photo: House of Commons/PA Archive/PA Images.

JAW-DROP OF THE WEEK

The shockwave of disbelief which travelled around the globe last week as people all over the world discovered that Michael Fabricant is a real person and ACTUALLY looks like that.

IT’S THAT PERCENTAGE AGAIN OF THE WEEK

Arch-Brexiter and sentient wheelie bin Andrew Bridgen MP continued in his exciting new role as aspiring arch-nemesis to the prime minister by insisting that says even if Mr Johnson squeaks a win in a confidence vote, he should resign anyway as “it would not be tenable for a PM to continue with 52% support from his parliamentary party”.

Because nobody in their right mind would think 52:48 is a big enough ratio to base a hugely consequential decision on.

AMBIGUOUS HEADLINE OF THE WEEK

It was announced last Friday in the increasingly unpredictable Daily Telegraph that William Wragg, the Tory MP turned whistleblower who had made accusations of bullying and indeed blackmail against those Tory whips desperately trying to dissuade Mr Wragg and his colleagues from submitting letters of no confidence in the prime minister, was to “meet with Scotland Yard detectives”.

What the article DIDN’T specify was the purpose of Mr Wragg’s meeting with Metropolitan Police officers.

One hopes it was to aid them in investigating his allegations, but on current form, it seems equally possible that the coppers in question were planning to slap some sense into Mr Wragg before bouncing him around the cells a bit for being a grass.

SAGE CAREER ADVICE OF THE WEEK

Not everyone has written Boris off; author and academic Matt Goodwin tweeted last Wednesday: “Great to give a talk to Conservative MPs. My hunch is Johnson will survive IF he gets back to what got him elected in the first place.”

The trouble with that suggestion is that “what got him elected in the first place” is lying his ass off, and Boris has already tried that. In fact, come to think of it, that’s all he’s EVER tried.

IRON-CLAD ALIBI OF THE WEEK

Speaking of which, the prime minister himself has been progressively backed into ever tighter logical corners with regard to the May 2020 Downing Street revel with his plea of innocence evolving and refining itself as more and more facts emerged:

There was no party; there was a party but I didn’t know about it; I did know about it and was in fact there but I didn’t know it was a party…

In an attempt to defend this last position during a fraught interview with Sky News’s Beth Rigby last week the PM finally hit upon the perfect excuse: Nobody HAD TOLD HIM that the party was against the rules. This despite the fact that he had drawn up and announced the rules himself, and that Oliver Dowden had been reiterating the rules on TV an hour before the party uncorked.

While almost nobody believes a word of this, it would, if true, explain quite a lot about Mr Johnson. He always MEANS to do the right thing, but has no idea what the right thing is unless it’s explained to him personally, and is always devastated and contrite upon discovering he’s got it wrong AGAIN.

Wow, he’s going to be in a mess when he finds out about the Ministerial Code Of Conduct. Not to mention the sixth, eighth and ninth Commandments…

“A GIG’S A GIG” RATIONALISATION OF THE WEEK

GammonBall News (yes, it’s still going) has unveiled its first “satirical” show, Headliners, in which news stories will be dissected in ironic fashion by a roster of comedians, hailing from all points on the political spectrum from “staunch Conservative” to “desperate to finally get on the telly even if it’s not real telly and I have to trade in my last quantum of dignity”.

The contributors number 13 in all, making Headliners the first TV comedy show ever to have more performers than viewers.

“I GOT NOTHING” OF THE WEEK #1

Nadine Dorries, who once went AWOL from Parliament in order to go and eat kangaroo’s bumholes on a prime time reality TV show, has accused the Conservative MPs rebelling against Boris Johnson of “attention-seeking behaviour”.

“I GOT NOTHING” OF THE WEEK, #2

SIR Gavin Williamson.

POEM OF THE WEEK

We’ve checked the COVID figures
To see how the Treasury did
Alas we find
They got robbed blind
For 4.3 billion quid.

Well the PPE was dodgy
And the contracts were
No-Bid And now we’re told
It’s left a hole Of 4.3 billion quid
Not to say that he’s too wealthy
Or rather out of touch
But it seems to Dishy Rishi
Four billion ain’t so much.
So they’ve written off the losses
Do their jobs? Heaven forbid
If they need some more
They’ll squeeze the poor
For 4.3 billion quid.

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